My darling Em is famous...

Ok, so famous might be pushing it, but I got an email this afternoon regarding "senior" cats and there was a photo of a kitty sleeping on a furry blanket.  I said to myself "self, that looks an awful lot like Em".. I clicked on the photo and was brought to a page at about.com that contained a photo of my Em I submitted several years ago.

Kinda sad they didn't print the date of the submission.  And a little sad that they gave her credit for being 14 in the newsletter when I submitted she was 16.. but that is so minimal it almost doesn't matter.  (only matters to the fact that I'm mentioning the errors.. )

I'm just giddy.  I've been thinking a lot about Em lately.  So nice to have her pop up in such an odd little way.

My darling Emerald - to all the cats I've loved before

I do not know why I drempt about you last night, but it was so nice to see you!


I was in bed, and you came to join me. I was very concerned about you, and wanted to make sure you had your space and were comfortable and that I wasn't hovering, much as I did at the end of your life.

My soul was so happy to have "seen" you when I woke up, and I was so sad that I didn't spend more time with you, and didn't hover.

Even now only a few hours later I feel that bond slipping.

I have been amazed lately how well I've handled your passing. After so many years of daily care, and even more years of daily loving, laughing, hugging, patting, cuddling, I'm surprised at how easily I have slipped out of that, and now think of you with fond memories instead of the deep abiding greif that accompanied your death.

I so want you back, I truely do. But then again I want Tig and Kodi back too. But you would fit into the family, so that pull is harder. Tig so would not understand why I have so many cats. I doubt he'd like that one bit. I remember dreaming of him after he left, and his telling me he was not happy he wasn't an only cat. I have never had a dream of Kodi. I loved that boy, he was such a belly slut. so beautiful and amusing. Given time I know I would have been mush in his paw, but most of my time was spent caring for him, not really really getting to know him like you do spending years with a cat. I curse that we were not given that time.

I do wonder - when I allow myself the self indulgence of greif - who will be waiting for me at the Rainbow Bridge. I do believe my pets will be waiting for me in Heaven. I have to. I can't face life with out that possiblity. Will they get along, will there be so many I can't give them all proper attention? I wonder. I also wonder if the kittens I lost in my care will be there. They were greived over. Will kittens I cared for but went on to love others be there? or will only the ones I remember remember me?

Will there be kittens in Heaven? Cause while I LOVE cats, I also love kittens. it would be a shame if kittens that died too young didn't get to grow up but it would also be a shame if there were never any more kittens.

Heaven is just too vast for me to understand. When I try to apply my sense of logic to it I get confused, so I will just accept that there will be kitties.

And one day, my darling Em, you will be able to do the head flippy thing for me once again.

Em

I refuse to remember which day Em crossed. I don't want or need it crippling my life. but I know she made it to August.. so as it draws close I find myself reliving memories I don't want or need.. her pain, her suffering.. her stoic nature and her refusal to leave me before she was ready..

She absolutely did not want to go. Fought it every step of the way. Towards the end it tired her out just waking up, and I kept telling her it was ok for her to go, and trying to give her comfort, but every time I would call to make the appointment, she'd sit at my feet and cry pathetically - it was very much a "no no mom.. not yet!" kind of thing. Having worked for a vet, I was accutely aware of waiting too long because the human couldn't let go, but I was not prepaired for the pet not wanting to go. Finally I couldn't stand to watch her suffer any more and I made the appointment while she was sleeping. I think she knew it was time but she still did not want to give up. I have got to admire her determination.. she started with nose bleeds in Jan... made it all the way to August. Sometimes I wish I had gone down the road of treating her cancer - given her will to live, but I had never ever seen her that determined before. She was always my 'what ever' kitty.. (well except rides to the vet.. those were vehimantly opposed) But even if I had, I think it would have been more for me than her. The A/C I talked to afterwards said she was so happy, and if she had known how great the afterlife was, she would have wanted to go sooner.

One thing I do regret - even though I shouldn't - is I left Em alone for a while and went to go see the Simpson's movie. It was at the stage when she just wanted to sit around and not be fussed over.. I know I was bugging her with my attention, but I couldn't help it. So I left and went out. I wish I could have learned to just be with her. I doubt i would remember my time with her any more vividly than I remember those two hours watching that movie.. which in and of itself says a lot to me..

http://wyrdwriter.livejournal.com/14211.html is a lot of comfort to me! thank you Kimber for writing it and putting it in your signature. I read it before Em passed, and I remember as the vet carried her body away just how accurate the "living in a scream" phrase really was. I'm falling to the floor crying and part of my brain goes "oh.. living in a scream.. got it!"

Knowing that I did everything I could for her gives me a lot of solice. Her not being there really takes a lot of that away.

I am hoping as the year finally passes, that I'll get beyond that last year, and remember the silliness, amusement, and joy that was My Beloved Em.

October is almost over

Isn't it? This is usually my favorite time of year.. I love all the colorful leaves (Yes I'm in New England) and the sweater weather that comes with it.

But this year has been all screwed up. See we went on a trip. DH was sent to AZ for work, and I went along. Funny thing is we went to San Diego first to go to the zoo.. got out of there just in time apparently. So I had the stress of dealing with going, then the stress of going, then the stress of getting back and adjusting back into the time zone..

and now all I can do is miss Em.

The new kitten which I guess we are going to call Tilly, is a comfort.. she's really sweet and freakin adorable, but there are times I just need to have almost 20lbs of cat climb up on me and do the head flippy thing and purr.. and I always knew there would be a time when I would miss having my skin licked off.. and it is now.

There are times I am almost useless for missing her. Which is so odd since it feels like a life time ago that she was put down.. I easily slipped out of the day to day routine of Em.. the testing, the feeding, the injecting.. but the ache is still there. Guess it has been ever since I knew with out a doubt the end was near..

I know Christmas will be hard..

*sigh*

Second Session with Animal Communicator

I said i'd post this, and I haven't really wanted to face it again. This second reading was much more vague than the first. Because I got some distinct readings the first time, I still do believe in Animal Communication, I just have to accept that English is no the first language of cats and that they don't think like I do. According to this second reading, they just don't care as much as I think they should - well except Muffin.

I wanted to know how the cats were dealing with Em's passing, how they thought about adding an additional kitten into the mix, and if they had anything else to say.

Ollie - is a sweetie, loves me a lot, not happy that Emmy passed, but feels closer to me and is taking Em's attention now that she's gone. Um.. ok. I guess. Said he didn't want a new kitten in the house, and didn't like the fostering, thought it was disruptive but I've had fosters continually now for years.. ???

Jack - Food not as good I added hearts and gizzards to that batch, and I've gotten the impression before that they don't like it Thought things are better since Em passed since she was acting strangly before she died. and that was uncomfortable. The A/C said he was sweet. has hairballs/was sick to his stomach.

Muffin - anti-kitten! well duh! but I didn't say this to the AC Everything else is ok.

Eli - wants to play more with toys. Might be ok to have a kitten. Wants to play, and just makes muffin MAD! when he tries. doesn't like Tweedle, but no particular reason why. Healthy but bored wants more adventure in his life is this why he's sleeping in the toy basket lately?

Tweedle - would like litterboxes cleaned more often I constantly mention that to DH - his job since I'm allergic to the dust would like more attention, would like to cuddle more, misses Em and thinks things just aren't the same.

She talked to the kitten, who was a typical kitten, no specific answers about us or staying. said she liked things the way they were with her siblings..

I had her talk to Em at that point. She said Em was very relieved and very happy in spirit. So happy that if she had known earlier that she would have been so happy she would have wanted to go earlier. I asked if I waited too long - and the answer was it doesn't matter any more. I asked if she watches us. The answer was vague.. doesn't know specifics, like if we are doing the laundry, but does know about our emotions. but there was no other comments. Not sure how I feel about this... as they are answers that anyone would want to hear, and nothing specific to either Em or myself or anyone else.. which kinda hurt more than anything else.

again, I'm still for A/C.. just don't think I'll be doing it again any time soon

Anniverseries

I have never wanted to have this type of anniversery. I purposfully didn't take note of the time or the date when Kodi was put down.. although the song on the radio at the time made me cry for years afterwards..

but this time I know. I can't seem to forget.

it was 1 week ago right now..

I hope in time the pain of this anniversery fads and thus will no longer hold power over me.. I know she's gone, I do NOT need additional reminders..

Together again

Em and Kodi..

Missing you both!

Em's first visit

When Tigger disappeared, I had three or four visits from him afterwards.. crawling into bed, comming home - and showing me that after such a long abscence his coming home wouldn't be a good idea, etc.

I've been waiting for Em. I miss her so terribly. I would have done anything, given anything to keep her around longer, but life is too frail. I have been calling to her, but had the feeling she was enjoying her rest. She didn't sleep well at all these last few months with the not being able to breathe well.

Since Thursday, Tweedle has been oddly silent. Even her purring has been off. we thought (and still do to some extent) that something is wrong.

well at 10AM, Twee started meowing quite happily. I was in bed half a sleep, and woke up enough to realize she was doing it, but kept my eyes shut. I called out to her, just to let her know where I was, and as I turned my head, I clearly saw Em on the cedar chest at the foot of the bed, her two front paws on the foot board looking at me. She looked wonderful. healthy and plump and happy.

I so love that cat.

Half an hour later I got a call that her ashes were ready.