Making end of live decisions when you aren't facing the end of life

I am the owner of two seventeen-year-old cats. Muffin and Eli are siblings that I adopted back in 2002.  If you have been following this blog with any regularity you will know that Muffin is facing end-of-life issues with her kidney disease. Despite knowing she was in kidney failure I made the decision to have a growth removed from behind her ear and she has been suffering the consequences of being sedated ever since.

She is under the care of a vet and is due to have her blood drawn again to check her kidney values here any time now, but in general, she is doing okay despite several scares. My real dilemma is becoming Eli and he is the reason for this exploration of my feelings on what we are facing.

History:

Eli was a very sick little kitten and trying to get him well I made him very fearful of humans by medicating him and then letting him run away as soon as I was done. I thought "get it over as soon as possible" was the best thing, but it only taught him that we were something to run from and fear. If you have to medicate kittens, hold on to them afterward, soothe and comfort them so they don't only associate you with being held against their will and having something really gross forced down their throat. 

When I made the decision to keep Eli, it was with the knowledge that I would never be able to treat him for anything longer than a couple of days. It would absolutely ruin his quality of life and that is just not something I am willing to put him through.  I made the rational and sound and unemotional decision that if the time came, I would rather release him from his body than make him endure something I *knew* would absolutely ruin his life from a quality standpoint. The few times I had to give him medication made that painfully clear.

While he has mellowed in his old age, being able to pick him up when I want to is still not easy. If I walk over to him with the intention of even patting him he evades me. He will come to me and ask for love and attention, and I am happy to give it to him, but he will not take it under any circumstances. Endure, sure, but he hates it.

What we are facing:

Now that he is 17, I know I am coming closer to whatever it is that is going to make me make that end-of-life decision for him. This week has been a hard one for him, as he has had a couple of instances of stomach emptying vomits (aka five or more in the space of an hour). He is also riddled with many lumps and bumps. Each one I have had checked out are simple lipomas (fat deposits) but they can't be comfortable and who knows what is under some of them.

So, I sit here with a seventeen-year-old cat who could probably benefit from some vet care, but is it in his best interest? Is it in mine? (just so you know, he had bloodwork done a few months ago and he checked out perfectly - he has always had regular exams - I am a firm supporter of regular exams for cats)

I know, this might sounds cruel to some, but I don't believe it is in his best interest. Taking him to the vets is hard on him. Having the vet and the techs examine him and draw blood and samples, it is hard on him. The stress is not good for him and if there is something brewing it can just make it worse.

But now that these moments are happening with a bit more frequency (once a month or so) and I wonder if I am making the right decision. Emotions are starting to get pulled into the decision making process. I am not focusing so much on what is right for him, but what is right for me. I really want to know what is going on. I want to test every lump, I want x-rays, I want answers - possibly answers that aren't to be had - as seventeen-year-old cats are often quite inconclusive..

Options:

I have two options.  Take him to the vet for tests or do nothing. 

*If I do nothing, I know nothing. I can give him fluids and I can give him Pepcid for an old man stomach - which is pretty common. I can give him CBD for any possible anxiety or mild pain he might have from the lumps (that don't really seem to cause him any discomfort from my point of view but since cats are so good at hiding things it would be a "to be safe" kind of decision) and when his quality of life is such that I can't keep him comfortable we can send him off gracefully. (which hopefully is years away)

*If I take him in I have one of two outcomes. I still know nothing except everything still checks out perfectly or we find something. Most of what we can possibly find in an old-man kitty means daily if not twice-a-day care, which I would not put him through. And while I hate to say this, but money is always a factor. Very few people are in the position to say money is not an object to treatment.  If he were three, or even thirteen, there wouldn't be much hesitation, as issues at that age are often easily treatable and take very little time but the chances of that diminish with every year of life. His being seventeen, his quantity of life is a factor. Sure, he *could* live until 30, but the chances of that - even with the absolute best care and the most willing patient - is minimal. 

Decision:

At this point, I am sticking by my original "unemotional" decision made in love 17 years ago to give him the best quality of life I can, even if the quantity is reduced. Back then I was sure he wasn't going to make it to five, let alone ten. I am not saying that emotions won't get the best of me and I'll end up sinking hundreds of dollars for an answer that does not help me.. but if I do that doesn't mean it is the right decision.

Eli is in no danger at this point.. he simply vomits a little more often than he used to and has lumps. This is simply a discussion of end of life issues when you aren't facing end-of-life because they are important. I will probably have a few more over the coming weeks because I believe this is a very important topic and I don't believe there are enough resources out there for pet owners who love their pets beyond reason but yet are not willing (or not able) to "do absolutely everything to force them to live". Choosing to honor the cat and what they are able to do (or what you are able to do for them) is not the wrong decision.

And I still believe that in decisions of "when is it time", that a month "too early" is far far better than a moment too late. I do not want my cats to suffer.. Think of it as forcing someone to leave the party before the house burns down.

Casa de Gato updates - Eli

Eli, littermate to Muffin, was a foster back in 2002 so he is also sixteen and a half years old. He had a major issue with URI as a kitten so he has scared tear ducts so his face is always a mess. As he has gotten older it has gotten better. I am not sure if it is because his body has compensated or he gets someone to clean his face regularly.

Because of the URI and the months of medication, he has always had a very healthy suspicion of us. For the first ten years of his life, he ran away from us every time he saw us. With some Rescue Remedy, we broke him of the association of fear so he would stop running. A while after that he realized how much he loves static and would come to us for attention in the winter months. And then, he voluntarily touched me. It was an incredible day for me.. (much like when Darcy climbed up on me the other day) Since then I have given him some CBD and it has helped his paranoia and fear quite a bit.  We have had company and workmen in the house multiple times since I started and he has been out for all of them.  Was it because of the CBD or because he mellowed in his old age? I'm going with the CBD, because he's still pretty high strung.

Eli also started losing weight recently. He dropped half a pound in less than two weeks and I started flipping out. I realized it when I went to give him a kiss and realized he had a sickly smell to him - something I recognized from fostering kittens. It wasn't strong, but it was there. I was about to run him to the vet but he was willing to eat so I decided to give it a couple of days to see exactly what was going on.  I even started giving him.. dry food

I also decided to deworm him, because why not.. and he is doing well, regaining the weight, and demanding dry food on a regular basis - which I am unwilling to do because of his 16.5-year-old kidneys.  He is incredibly spry and still regularly runs around the house like his tail is on fire - often because Twee is harassing him. He still demands attention when we have gone to bed where he gets in between us and I get to rub his belly. He still has several lipomas on his body, but like Muff's cyst, I am unwilling to put him through a surgery to remove them.

Our Christmas Tree 2018

Guess what time it is..

Yup, it is that time of year that I raid Muffin's stash of toys and stick them on the tree we erect in our living area.. This confuses Muffin to no end, but everyone else seems to like it.

Guess who was the first one to take a toy off the tree.

That toy was NOT allowed on the tree, according to Fleurp it must be on the floor. Once she put it on the floor she immediately lost interest in it and started to walk away so I picked it up and put it back on the tree so Fleurp turned around and batted it off again. When the Catman showed up I shared this trick with him and she told us both that this toy belongs on the ground.. so on the ground, it stays.

Unfortunately, we lost a number of toys this year as something got in the basket and started consuming them. The feathers were stripped down to the spines and other natural fiber toys had holes in them. Whatever it was set off my allergies something fierce so I had to stop going through the basket halfway through and stuck it in the garage I fear we are going to lose a great number of toys once we go through it. Ah well, a good excuse to buy more.

If you would like a Christmas card from us you can send me your address, fill out the postable form Previous trees:

• 2008
• 2011
• 2012
• 2015
• 2016
• 2017

Wordless Wednesday - Brothers and Sisters

Wordless Wednesday - Pillow Forts Rock

Catification

When we were looking for a house, we had a few requirements. We were spoiled at Casa de Gato having three bathrooms and we wanted a house with a master with a bathroom. This house has one, but it is in dire need of being remodeled as we can not use the shower as the previous owners installed a walk in tub where the shower should be.

One of the downsides of this house is the master isn't really big enough for a king bed.  It is long and narrow. The bed fits on the sides, the one side that has the door into the room so the wall is short and it doesn't fit our nightstands and the other side has the windows so the bed will block the windows and the nightstands made for perches for the cats to look out the window - which negates being able to put anything on them.  We initially put the bed on the short wall, but we had no time to find new smaller nightstands so we quickly decided to move the bed in front of the windows. This depressed me because laying in bed and watching the snow fall was nice, so we moved the bed back last week.

To give the cats somewhere other than our nightstands to sit on, we put a cat tree and made some space in the shelving units for them to hang out.

Muffin can't get into the bed without the stairs, but the placement of the stairs at the edge of the bed allows her to get up on the at tree and then she climbs over into the basket.. she is THRILLED with this because I think it reminds her of days when her joints didn't hurt as much and she could climb into things like this.

If you notice on the top of the shelving unit we placed a cat bed. This is Eli's new favorite spot. 16 years old and he gets up there like he is four. Once we get someone in here to fix the bathroom I'm thinking I'll put a few floating shelves over the bathroom door and down to the dresser that is on the wall to the left. But we also have plans to put a master upstairs with a really elaborate bathroom with a dressing area so we might end up moving up there long before I get to it.

(and in case you were wondering, they are still sitting on the nightstands and it is super annoying)

Pay attention to me!!

Because of my lipedema, I need to spend time on a vibration plate. The other day when I was 'just standing there" Jack decided he needed some attention.

Muffin was all "whatever, I have nip." Jack wasn't getting the attention he wanted so he went off and got a toy. He usually carries it to me, crying out pitifully, until I see him doing it at which point he drops it - which makes it very hard to get a photo of it. As soon as we make eye contact he leaves it where he is and comes to me for praise. This time it was halfway up the stairs.

Yes, Jack, you are a good boy.

The post (mostly) about Eli

This is Eli. It is a pretty low-quality photo of Eli as I had my phone on me at the time and he was being a huge pita this afternoon so it was what I had on me at the time.

For those of you who are new to the blog (am I even getting new readers at this point? I mean what is a foster kitten blog without foster kittens??) Eli was a foster of mine back in 2002 that I ended up keeping. Yes, this means Eli is 15 years old (he was born sometime in the late summer). I ended up "ruining' him by medicating him for a particularly harsh strain of URI. He was so afraid of me that he could barely stand to be in the same room as me for the first few years of his life. It was over ten years before he finally reached out to me on his own. He is still quite fearful and a bit paranoid and is not a fan of you even think too much about him.

This afternoon I was in the kitchen and I heard him scream out. He doesn't meow, he squeaks, and when he wants attention he squeaks quite loudly. I wasn't sure what was going on with him so I set out to find him and he was in the kitten room hanging out on the litter box. I couldn't coax him down, he just seemed to want me to pat him. So I did.

Hello? We heard there was attention going on and we want some, please.

His abdomen was a bit tight - like it gets when he is stressed and when he is stressed it leads to bladder issues for him - so I was a bit worried about him, so I hung out with him and continued to pat him. He soaked it all in. He still didn't want to seem to leave the kitten room for some reason, but he was completely fine with my bringing him treats, which he ate, and patting him, so I'm guessing he was just having a weird.

Jack was so determined to get up there to get some of the attention going on.
He was soooo proud he figured out how to do it since he was unable to jump up like Eli does.

Sadly, Eli has developed a rather large but shallow lump on the side of his rib cage. At first, I thought it might be a bit of an abscess because we occasionally get tussles in the household that get a little rough; we have had a handful of them over the years. The vet was unsure of what it was. He was being seen for stress and possible bladder issues at the time so we didn't get too far into it. She said to watch it, etc. so that is what we have been doing. It is still there and it seems to have grown a bit over the last few months.I should probably take him back in to have it checked out further, but with his disposition, there is really no kind way to treat him extensively for that kind of growth. Either it is a lipoma (he already has two on his legs) and there is nothing to do or it is cancer and it would require surgery and recovery and possibly chemo - all of which are not really a good idea on a high stress. He is fifteen and has had a good life. This is probably nothing, but it might be something, so I'm basically making note of it for future reference.

Dreaming of Spring

Working in the kitten room

I was working in the kitten room this weekend going through several rolls of fabric I was given when I was still in Maine. I like having large pieces of fabric to make backgrounds to take photos of kittens and my office was right next to a business that made custom upolstry fabrics. They would often order samples and no longer need them and instead of throwing them out they would come to our office and offer them to us. I grabbed everything that was left over from what the other women wanted and I ended up with a few decent sized pieces that would work as a backdrop.

Skippy thought he would help me test the out.. but I am not sure he thought they were really appropriate..

Mom, are you sure this isn't too busy? and where is my bowtie?

I have a new bow tie? COOL!

IDK, stripes just aren't my thing.. 

What do you think Fleurp? 

I agree, we look much better without the backdrop

They totally refused to sit still, even with the promise of treats, until I removed the backdrops. Just something you have to deal with when photographing cats I guess. I was quickly running out of daylight and there is no light fixture in this room yet (we are going to hire an electrician to put one in) so I didn't really have time to wait for them to cooperate.

I now have a total of nine different backdrops and a nice pile of fabric that was just too small to work that I am going to try to turn into something.. either catnip toys or cat beds. We'll see. Since right now I don't have anywhere to set up my sewing machine, it will be a while before I get to it.

I am king of this castle

Or at very least this chair..

Eli's great disappointment with #GoogleArtsandCulture

We were watching the news this morning and they were talking about the Google Arts and Culture app where you take a selfie and they show you what artwork looks like you. Eli really wanted to play

I downloaded the app and sadly it just doesn't work on kitties. Neither does Celebslike.me so I did a google image search.. Google thought I wanted to learn about whiskers. I kept digging and eventually got google to tell me that Eli looks like Penelope Pussy Cat

But I wasn't sure how he would react if I said looked like a girl.. I try to get my cats to be accepting of diversity and not be insulted by such things, but google wasn't really committed to saying he looked like Penelope so I thought I'd tell him he looked like Pepe,

but at this point, he had completely lost interest and wandered away

A long winter's nap

Wordless Wednesday - Personal Space Dude..

Bestest Christmas EVA!!

Dudes! Let me tell you the story of the bestest Christmas gift EVA! I don't know how momma got it for us without knowing it was in the house, because she was rather annoyed when we got it.. Maybe Santa Paws is real after all..

She was laying in bed and heard Twee scratching at something behind her nightstand. She thought that Twee was just after one of her toys that she had previously stashed back there (Twee has a habit of pushing her toys into places she can't get to them) but when Fleurp got involved and the action moved a bit, she started to investigates what we haz'd.

She knew something was up.. this was no ordinary toy. This was the bestest toy EVA!!

Momma initially thought it was dead, and for a split second thought about letting us dispose of it*, but then she saw it move and sprung into action. Daddy was quite confused and didn't know what to do so Momma had to explain everythings and made him get a box to trap it in.

We tired that mouse right out, so Momma had no problem getting it into a container but she was a little confused as to what to do next. She knew that if she just put it outside the mouse would come back in. With all the snow out there, she was a little sad to let it out thinking she would just be making a mouse-icle. She gave the mousie a little cheese (which it was too traumatized to eat) and drove it down the street and tried to at least put it near a tree. She failed miserably and still fears she made a mouse-icle, but she did the kindest thing she could think of.

Now, we are all on high alert for additional gifties from Santa Paws.. We know that there must be more out there..

* If I wasn't worried about my neighbors using mouse poisons, I would be inclined to let my cats eat a mouse they legitimately killed. But I am worried, and they didn't kill it, and I just couldn't let it suffer.

Right after we moved into this house I found some mouse poop, but I hoped that it was from a previous invasion that was already taken care of. We had already bought the house so it wasn't like we could force anyone to fix anything, and I was avoiding the whole thing hoping that it wasn't a thing - or if it was the smell of six cats in the house would make them flee. Now that I know that it is totally a thing, getting someone in here to take care of this is going to be a high priority.

Our Christmas Tree 2017

With everything going on here I didn't know if we were going to be able to get any decorating done. My husband decided we at least should get the tree up this year so he did that a few days ago.

If you have been visiting this blog for any length of time you know we decorate our tree with cat toys instead of ornaments. I have boxes and boxes of ornaments but a few years ago I couldn't face unpacking them all only to pack them all back up a few weeks later (we were late in decorating) so I just threw cat toys on the tree and I loved it so much that we have done it every year since.

One reason we were late in getting the tree up - despite our horribly busy schedules - is the fact that our nine-foot tree doesn't fit inside the house, so we ended up putting it up in the enclosed porch - that and we couldn't find a few of the boxes of cat toys..

There are six cat nip stockings on the tree. Someone had the brilliant idea of buying cheap decorative stockings and stick nip in them and sew them shut. I swear one of these years I am going to buy a ton of these after Christmas and make a bunch to donate for the next holiday.

This post was not brought to you by Traditional Medicinals Holiday Teas, but it totally could have been 😸 I will be having some Nighty Night before Christmas tea tonight..

And in case you were wondering which ornament was the first one off the tree.. Any guesses as to which one of my little angels caused this?

Previous trees:

• 2008
• 2011
• 2012
• 2015
• 2016

Eli's very bad no good day

Monday night Eli was in bed with my husband and I soliciting belly rubs and he showed no signs of illness or issue.

Tuesday morning I found him on a cat tree being very vocal. While he does like to announce his presence when he is coming for attention or when we walk by and he wants to say hi, this was something completely different. He just squeaked and screeched for no apparent reason. He sat there, in a catloaf, mewing at me and he let me walk right up to him (usually he flinches a little and I have to pause and let him get used to the idea I'm going to reach out and pat him) and he had something to say with every step. By the time I reached out to touch him I knew..

He was not happy. And when Eli is not happy he has physical manifestations of that unhappiness, usually in the form of urinary inflammation. At least I'm assuming it is urinary inflammation because he becomes very tight in the abdomen and in the old house he would start peeing out of the box. I would give him the urinary tablets I have that increase the urine PH and soothe the bladder walls and he would get better.

I started that protocol. I gave him a high dose of acidifier because he was so tight it was like a water balloon about to burst... his abdomen, not his bladder. I gave him something to relax and tried to comfort him.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Eli, he started his life out as one of my fosters and he had several rounds of Calcivirus which made him so ill that for almost all of the first six months of his life he was on one type of medication or another. I hadn't learned that you don't let a cat just run away from you after you medicate them, so every time he saw me he wanted to run, I grabbed him, pilled him, and he ran away. While I tried to get some positive interactions with him, they were overshadowed by the forceful interactions we had... and he spent the next three years running away from me whenever he saw me, then the next five years after that barely able to tolerate being in the same room as me. I eased his fears with an intensive course of Rescue Remedy and by the time he was ten he voluntarily climbed up on my lap for the first time (I still remember that moment so clearly)

So, my 'forcing' comfort on him did not go well, it never does. He only wants attention when you aren't thinking about giving it to him. He was uncomfortable and tense and still vocal. I wanted to watch him, so I brought him upstairs to my office with a litter box and some food. He ate a little of the food and hid from me for the next two hours.

At noon I could no longer stand not knowing how he was doing so I hunted him down and pulled him out from his hiding place. He was still very tense. I tried comforting him again, holding him close, cooing words of comfort at him and kissing his head and he just wanted away. I gave him a lot of Rescue Remedy and let him go, and I was going to give it another hour, but I was so uncomfortable not knowing if his bladder was full or not, I decided I was going to run him to the vet clinic.

He was not happy.

Fortunately, his bladder was not enlarged nor did he exhibit any pain when the vet examined him. She could feel how tense he was, but could not find anything that would set him off. She ruled out most causes of illness and we settled on the idea that he was probably overstressed. We also agreed that he might be starting a blockage so I could either take him home and watch him or they could leave him there to watch him.

At this point, Eli was walking around the exam room - a sign that he is feeling okay - and I knew he would stress over staying, so I decided to take him home. The exam revealed that he has a small heart murmur - which is new - and a diffuse lump on his left side. He has two lipomas on his right side (one on the front leg and one on the back) so the vet was inclined to think that this was one too, but she charged me with watching both of those things as well.

When I got home, I faced the dilemma of should I lock him up near a litter box so I could monitor what he was doing which would increase his stress level or I could just set him free into the house and miss his trip to the litter box if he had one but I knew he would be more comfortable.

I will stand here and look disapprovingly at you
but if you walk one step down this hall I am under that bed in a heartbeat! -Eli

I worked for the next few hours and then checked on him again. He was still very tense in his abdomen, but he seemed calmer and he was less vocal. He ate so I knew things weren't too bad. I decided to change out the Feliway diffusers that we started using when we moved here. One was four weeks old and the other was only three but both were empty. I changed out the bottle and plugged it back in. In the morning, Eli was calmer and not nearly as tense and telling me it was time for breakfast. He then proceeded to sleep on the bed all day.. along with all of my other cats.

I do not know what happened. I've never seen his issue explode that quickly. I want to chalk it up to the Feliway running out because that would be easy, but I don't understand why he would be that upset at this point, a month after the move. Feliway recommends using the diffusers for three months, and I have a feeling I will be doing just that.. just in case.