The post about Jack

What can I say about my boy. Jack came to me in a litter of four kittens in 2002, and it was the third litter I fostered. One of the four got very ill and was put down rather soon after I brought them home. I think back then they had so many kittens coming at them all at once they just took four that were of the same general age and put them all together. I don't know that, but looking back it seems very possible.

Because of the early loss, I feel in love with them rather quickly and rather deeply, but wee baby boy Jack (known then as Houdini and for good reason) quickly stole my heart, right out through my ear lobe. That boy was OBSESSED over nursing on my ear lobe. I still ache to this day that he outgrew that. I know it isn't all that acceptable, but it was so endearing.

I had made my husband a promise when I started fostering that I wouldn't keep any of the kittens I fostered (feel free to laugh at both of us) but when Jack came along I was totally distraught at the prospect of sending him back. I had two cats at the time, Em and Ollie, and we really were foolish to bring another cat into the house full time, but the heart wants what the heart wants. I was home crying that night after returning them, and my husband pretty much said if you are going to cry over him, you might as well go get him. I FLEW down to the shelter the next morning and snatched him right up.

I was unemployed at the time, and as a result where ever I went that I could bring him, I brought Jack with me. He learned to love riding in the car, and he loved his harness, because it meant spending time with me. He would often go and sit by the door and ask that we go somewhere together, and I could never resist him. Sometimes we would go to the local ice cream shop and get him an ice cream. Weren't we a spectacle, how often do you see a cat getting an ice cream?!? Once I got a job, I wasn't able to take him out as much, and he lost some of the confidence he had in new places, but he still doesn't mind riding in the car and he still overflows with confidence in the house and constantly asks anyone who shows up if they might have a smackerel or two of honey treat for a roly poly kitteh.. (he is not fat, he's fluffy, and he has a big dulap)

A few years ago I was watching a TV show about different breeds of cats, and on that program the highlighted the Nebelung. I was looking at cats that looked exactly like Jack. Every Nebelung I have seen looks amazingly similar, and they all have that wonderful outgoing friendly personalities. I have since started calling Jack a Nebelung, and part of me wonders if I will avoid adopting any others once he passes, or if I am going to form a Nebelung rescue and have 100 of them.

Jack has had way too many health scares for my liking. First was he was exposed to FeLV and ended up testing positive back when I used to let my resident cats mingle with my fosters. He tested positive twice over six weeks apart and I then started supplementing him on Vitamin C.  A year or so later he ended up testing negative.  When he was a young cat, he ended up being blocked after developing urinary crystals. I had one cat who was diabetic, and Eli had also recently blocked, and I was determined to make sure everyone else was healthy, so I bought them 'premium' dry food. It had all the right key buzz words, and it felt like I was doing the right thing for him and my other cats (the word truthiness pops to mind at this point) Well he blocked, and then he blocked again and I was told he had a very narrow urethra. After his second blockage is when I started my crusade to figure out what I could do, and when I learned how snowed over the general population is when it comes to feline nutrition. Unfortunately Jack is a wee bit (OK fine, a lot) food obsessed, and he is willing to eat just about anything he can get his paws on... and sometimes he bypasses his paws and goes right for the gobble.

Since becoming blocked as a young mancat, he has blocked a few other times, mostly when I am not careful and he gets into too many treats with plant based ingredients (which are currently banned from the house) or I don't put the dry food I bring home for the kittens away fast enough and he chews through the bag and eats till he gets sick. The most recent time he blocked was when I was visiting Amy and Lisa, and I was absolutely beside myself.

And I think we have a reason for that.

Due to my not being comfortable going back to my original vet, I have been shopping Jack around for the past few months / years with his urinary issue. I now have a list a mile long of vets I will not go to *sigh* and I had been attempting to help him myself and doing a very poor job of it. I finally broke down and tried 'one more' vet. There were a few that I was considering, most were more than 30 minutes away from my home. While Jack doesn't mind the car, most of my other cats do. A new clinic opened recently just a few hundred feet away from where my original vet (who took care of the cat I grew up with) and by a vet who used to work with a woman I used to work with who said (back then anyway) that he was very nice. So when Jack peed on the floor one too many times that week, I called them and asked to be seen. They squeezed me in - since it was a urinary issue in a male cat.  He tested normal once again - no obvious reason why he was peeing, and I suggested we do blood work to look at liver and kidney values - because I still believe and I always will that those treats I gave him harmed him - and the vet suggested we run a comprehensive panel - aka old kitty blood work.  Since cats are considered old at 8, and he is 12, I thought it a good idea.

Well his thyroid level came back at 5.4 (out of a 0.8 - 4.9 range) so we started him on thyroid medication. Originally we started him out at 2.5mg BID and in two weeks he tested at 0.8.  The 'other' vet at the clinic that called with the results said he was 'right where we wanted him to be' and I asked three different ways if I shouldn't be worried about him going too low, because we were told to test in 2-3 weeks so I assumed it hadn't fully settled yet, and each way I formed the question her answer was 'he is right in that range' and I was none too happy, especially since she completely avoided my concerns, and about ready to find a new vet, but I had scheduled an appointment with Muffin (perfect), Eli (perfect) and Fleurp (still dealing with anemia), and I decided to keep it and ended up having a nice discussion with the vet I had intended to have treat my cats anyway.

So truth be told, he should be around '2.something' not 0.8  After consulting on the yahoo thyroid board and reading more on thyroid, I took a day off of giving him the pills and lowered his dose to 1.25 BID. Since he really wasn't showing signs of being hyperthyroid other than the peeing (which oddly enough is actually a symptom - hence my 'unnecessary vet visit' post from Monday) it is very hard to tell if he is doing better with this new dose or not. The vet I intend to have as my primary vet agrees with my decision.  I am not overly pleased with this vet, but he is someone I can work with, and that is very valuable to me.

I am currently in the process of working up the courage to contact yet another vet to discuss doing the I-131 radioactive iodine treatment.  I am way too introverted and way too phone phobic to enjoy doing this, but I will get it done for my boy. Part of me, a very large part, wants to put off treatment until the end of October when I am going to be out of town at BarkWorld so I don't have to stress over him being stressed over my being gone, but we will have the discussion sooner than that and see what they think is best.

#howIwakeup is a regular feature on my instagram account

I do not know what the future will bring for my boy, but I do know that he will lay on my pillow each morning he can and lick my nose, because that is now his thing.. (I still wish it was my earlobe)

Paw Prints in the Moonlight

As I mentioned, back in August I was asked to review two books.  I said yes, and they arrived, the first being A Street Cat Named Bob by James Bowen.

The copy I got.

The second was called "Paw Tracks in the Moonlight by Denis O'Connor".  I wanted to read it, and I kept trying and trying to read it, but I had the worst time getting into it.  The best reason I can describe it might be when you are introduced to someone you are told you will really like but you find you come from two entirely different worlds and you just can't find that common ground to get started on.

The book starts with the death of a mother cat and one of her kittens.  That was so hard for me to get past.  I just knew the story would get better, but with hard luck foster kittens in my basement, I just couldn't keep reading to get to that point.

I can't tell you how many times I picked it up only to put it down.  I felt bad about it and kept trying.  Finally earlier this month I told myself to just keep reading.. and I'm so glad I did.

While I do not agree with Denis on many aspects of raising Toby Jug, I can not fault him as he raised a wonderful kitty who had a long happy life.  It was an excellent reminder to me that while I feel I am caring for my cats in the best possible way I can, it does not mean that people who choose differently are wrong.  It is something I need to be reminded of from time to time in my quest to remain nonjudgmental of and open to others.

Toby Jug was a very remarkable cat, and I really did enjoy getting to know him.  I am so glad Denis decided to write his story to share him with the world.  The story is the first year of Toby Jug's life and it was so much fun to "watch" him grow up.  The final chapter is the end of Toby Jug's life.  I knew it was coming, and I prepared for it by making sure I had tissues and I didn't need to be in public for the next hour or so.. and yes, I cried and cried.. It didn't help that Toby Jug had a similar physical description to my Ollie nor passed rather similarly to my Em.  My heart just ached for Denis... and for myself.

This book is once again from "across the pond" so the English references are peppered through out.  Being so, they retooled it for the US market including a new title and new book cover.

Paw Prints in the Moonlight:
The Heartwarming True Story of One Man and his Cat

From the publisher:

PAW PRINTS IN THE MOONLIGHT by Denis O’Connor is the survival story of Toby Jug, a rescued kitten who forms an extraordinary bond with his new owner. O’Connor’s tale chronicles the pair’s quirky adventures, from Toby Jug’s mischievous antics to the life-changing summer camping trip that cements their friendship.

Praise for Paw Prints in the Moonlight:

"Touching... Both a wonderful cat story and a portrait of rural England that will satisfy everyone who is or was a fan of All Creatures Great and Small. His charming book belongs on every cat lover's reading list."

--Margaret and Michael Korda, authors of Cat People

“If you’ve ever had a deep bond with a cat, you must read this book. If you’ve never had a deep bond with a cat, you must read this book. Heartwarming.”

--Carole Nelson Douglas, author of Cat in a White Tie and Tails 

I was sent a free copy of the book, but it in no way influenced my review nor this post.  I did pass the book on to someone I hope will read it and appreciate it.

My darling Em is famous...

Ok, so famous might be pushing it, but I got an email this afternoon regarding "senior" cats and there was a photo of a kitty sleeping on a furry blanket.  I said to myself "self, that looks an awful lot like Em".. I clicked on the photo and was brought to a page at about.com that contained a photo of my Em I submitted several years ago.

Kinda sad they didn't print the date of the submission.  And a little sad that they gave her credit for being 14 in the newsletter when I submitted she was 16.. but that is so minimal it almost doesn't matter.  (only matters to the fact that I'm mentioning the errors.. )

I'm just giddy.  I've been thinking a lot about Em lately.  So nice to have her pop up in such an odd little way.

My darling Emerald - to all the cats I've loved before

I do not know why I dreamt about you last night, but it was so nice to see you!



I was in bed, and you came to join me. I was very concerned about you and wanted to make sure you had your space and were comfortable and that I wasn't hovering, much as I did at the end of your life.

My soul was so happy to have "seen" you when I woke up, and I was so sad that I didn't spend more time with you, and didn't hover.

Even now only a few hours later I feel that bond slipping.

I have been amazed lately how well I've handled your passing. After so many years of daily care, and even more years of daily loving, laughing, hugging, patting, cuddling, I'm surprised at how easily I have slipped out of that, and now think of you with fond memories instead of the deep abiding grief that accompanied your death.

I so want you back, I truly do. But then again I want Tig and Kodi back too. But you would fit into the family so that pull is harder. Tig so would not understand why I have so many cats. I doubt he'd like that one bit. I remember dreaming of him after he left, and his telling me he was not happy he wasn't an only cat. I have never had a dream of Kodi. I loved that boy, he was such a belly slut. so beautiful and amusing. Given time, I know, I would have been mush in his paw, but most of my time was spent caring for him, not really really getting to know him like you do spending years with a cat. I curse that we were not given that time.

I do wonder - when I allow myself the self-indulgence of grief - who will be waiting for me at the Rainbow Bridge. I do believe my pets will be waiting for me in Heaven. I have to. I can't face life without that possibility. Will they get along, will there be so many I can't give them all proper attention? I wonder. I also wonder if the kittens I lost in my care will be there. They were grieved over. Will kittens I cared for but went on to love others be there? or will only the ones I remember remember me?

Will there be kittens in Heaven? Cause while I LOVE cats, I also love kittens. it would be a shame if kittens that died too young didn't get to grow up but it would also be a shame if there were never any more kittens.

Heaven is just too vast for me to understand. When I try to apply my sense of logic to it I get confused, so I will just accept that there will be kitties.

And one day, my darling Em, you will be able to do the head flippy thing for me once again.

Em (originally written Monday July 28, 2008)

(I was looking at my posts, and noticed this was still in draft form. I thought I'd share it)
I refuse to remember which day Em crossed. I don't want or need it crippling my life. but I know she made it to August.. so as it draws close I find myself reliving memories I don't want or need.. her pain, her suffering.. her stoic nature and her refusal to leave me before she was ready..

She absolutely did not want to go. Fought it every step of the way. Towards the end it tired her out just waking up, and I kept telling her it was ok for her to go, and trying to give her comfort, but every time I would call to make the appointment, she'd sit at my feet and cry pathetically - it was very much a "no no mom.. not yet!" kind of thing. Having worked for a vet, I was acutely aware of waiting too long because the human couldn't let go, but I was not prepared for the pet not wanting to go. Finally I couldn't stand to watch her suffer any more and I made the appointment while she was sleeping. I think she knew it was time but she still did not want to give up. I have got to admire her determination.. she started with nose bleeds in Jan... made it all the way to August. Sometimes I wish I had gone down the road of treating her cancer - given her will to live, but I had never ever seen her that determined before. She was always my 'what ever' kitty.. (well except rides to the vet.. those were vehemently opposed) But even if I had, I think it would have been more for me than her. The A/C I talked to afterward said she was so happy, and if she had known how great the afterlife was, she would have wanted to go sooner.

One thing I do regret - even though I shouldn't - is I left Em alone for a while and went to go see the Simpson's movie. It was at the stage when she just wanted to sit around and not be fussed over.. I know I was bugging her with my attention, but I couldn't help it. So I left and went out. I wish I could have learned to just be with her. I doubt i would remember my time with her any more vividly than I remember those two hours watching that movie.. which in and of itself says a lot to me..

http://wyrdwriter.livejournal.com/14211.html is a lot of comfort to me! thank you Kimber for writing it and putting it in your signature. I read it before Em passed, and I remember as the vet carried her body away just how accurate the "living in a scream" phrase really was. I'm falling to the floor crying and part of my brain goes "oh.. living in a scream.. got it!"

Knowing that I did everything I could for her gives me a lot of solace. Her not being there really takes a lot of that away.

I am hoping as the year finally passes, that I'll get beyond that last year, and remember the silliness, amusement, and joy that was My Beloved Em.

Em

I refuse to remember which day Em crossed. I don't want or need it crippling my life. but I know she made it to August.. so as it draws close I find myself reliving memories I don't want or need.. her pain, her suffering.. her stoic nature and her refusal to leave me before she was ready..

She absolutely did not want to go. Fought it every step of the way. Towards the end it tired her out just waking up, and I kept telling her it was ok for her to go, and trying to give her comfort, but every time I would call to make the appointment, she'd sit at my feet and cry pathetically - it was very much a "no no mom.. not yet!" kind of thing. Having worked for a vet, I was accutely aware of waiting too long because the human couldn't let go, but I was not prepaired for the pet not wanting to go. Finally I couldn't stand to watch her suffer any more and I made the appointment while she was sleeping. I think she knew it was time but she still did not want to give up. I have got to admire her determination.. she started with nose bleeds in Jan... made it all the way to August. Sometimes I wish I had gone down the road of treating her cancer - given her will to live, but I had never ever seen her that determined before. She was always my 'what ever' kitty.. (well except rides to the vet.. those were vehimantly opposed) But even if I had, I think it would have been more for me than her. The A/C I talked to afterwards said she was so happy, and if she had known how great the afterlife was, she would have wanted to go sooner.

One thing I do regret - even though I shouldn't - is I left Em alone for a while and went to go see the Simpson's movie. It was at the stage when she just wanted to sit around and not be fussed over.. I know I was bugging her with my attention, but I couldn't help it. So I left and went out. I wish I could have learned to just be with her. I doubt i would remember my time with her any more vividly than I remember those two hours watching that movie.. which in and of itself says a lot to me..

http://wyrdwriter.livejournal.com/14211.html is a lot of comfort to me! thank you Kimber for writing it and putting it in your signature. I read it before Em passed, and I remember as the vet carried her body away just how accurate the "living in a scream" phrase really was. I'm falling to the floor crying and part of my brain goes "oh.. living in a scream.. got it!"

Knowing that I did everything I could for her gives me a lot of solice. Her not being there really takes a lot of that away.

I am hoping as the year finally passes, that I'll get beyond that last year, and remember the silliness, amusement, and joy that was My Beloved Em.

October is almost over

Isn't it? This is usually my favorite time of year.. I love all the colorful leaves (Yes I'm in New England) and the sweater weather that comes with it.

But this year has been all screwed up. See we went on a trip. DH was sent to AZ for work, and I went along. Funny thing is we went to San Diego first to go to the zoo.. got out of there just in time apparently. So I had the stress of dealing with going, then the stress of going, then the stress of getting back and adjusting back into the time zone..

and now all I can do is miss Em.

The new kitten which I guess we are going to call Tilly, is a comfort.. she's really sweet and freakin adorable, but there are times I just need to have almost 20lbs of cat climb up on me and do the head flippy thing and purr.. and I always knew there would be a time when I would miss having my skin licked off.. and it is now.

There are times I am almost useless for missing her. Which is so odd since it feels like a life time ago that she was put down.. I easily slipped out of the day to day routine of Em.. the testing, the feeding, the injecting.. but the ache is still there. Guess it has been ever since I knew with out a doubt the end was near..

I know Christmas will be hard..

*sigh*

Second Session with Animal Communicator

I said I'd post this, and I haven't really wanted to face it again. This second reading was much more vague than the first. Because I got some distinct readings the first time, I still do believe in Animal Communication, I just have to accept that English is no the first language of cats and that they don't think like I do. According to this second reading, they just don't care as much as I think they should - well except Muffin.

I wanted to know how the cats were dealing with Em's passing, how they thought about adding an additional kitten into the mix, and if they had anything else to say.

Ollie - is a sweetie, loves me a lot, not happy that Emmy passed, but feels closer to me and is taking Em's attention now that she's gone. Um.. ok. I guess. Said he didn't want a new kitten in the house, and didn't like the fostering, thought it was disruptive but I've had fosters continually now for years.. ???

Jack - Food not as good I added hearts and gizzards to that batch, and I've gotten the impression before that they don't like it Thought things are better since Em passed since she was acting strangely before she died. and that was uncomfortable. The A/C said he was sweet. has hairballs/was sick to his stomach.

Muffin - anti-kitten! well duh! but I didn't say this to the AC Everything else is ok.

Eli - wants to play more with toys. Might be ok to have a kitten. Wants to play, and just makes muffin MAD! when he tries. doesn't like Tweedle, but no particular reason why. Healthy but bored wants more adventure in his life is this why he's sleeping in the toy basket lately?

Tweedle - would like litterboxes cleaned more often I constantly mention that to DH - his job since I'm allergic to the dust would like more attention, would like to cuddle more, misses Em and thinks things just aren't the same.

She talked to the kitten, who was a typical kitten, no specific answers about us or staying. said she liked things the way they were with her siblings..

I had her talk to Em at that point. She said Em was very relieved and very happy in spirit. So happy that if she had known earlier that she would have been so happy she would have wanted to go earlier. I asked if I waited too long - and the answer was it doesn't matter any more. I asked if she watches us. The answer was vague.. doesn't know specifics, like if we are doing the laundry, but does know about our emotions. but there was no other comments. Not sure how I feel about this... as they are answers that anyone would want to hear, and nothing specific to either Em or myself or anyone else.. which kinda hurt more than anything else.

again, I'm still for A/C.. just don't think I'll be doing it again any time soon

Anniverseries

I have never wanted to have this type of anniversery. I purposfully didn't take note of the time or the date when Kodi was put down.. although the song on the radio at the time made me cry for years afterwards..

but this time I know. I can't seem to forget.

it was 1 week ago right now..

I hope in time the pain of this anniversery fads and thus will no longer hold power over me.. I know she's gone, I do NOT need additional reminders..

Together again

Em and Kodi..

Missing you both!

Em's first visit

When Tigger disappeared, I had three or four visits from him afterwards.. crawling into bed, comming home - and showing me that after such a long abscence his coming home wouldn't be a good idea, etc.

I've been waiting for Em. I miss her so terribly. I would have done anything, given anything to keep her around longer, but life is too frail. I have been calling to her, but had the feeling she was enjoying her rest. She didn't sleep well at all these last few months with the not being able to breathe well.

Since Thursday, Tweedle has been oddly silent. Even her purring has been off. we thought (and still do to some extent) that something is wrong.

well at 10AM, Twee started meowing quite happily. I was in bed half a sleep, and woke up enough to realize she was doing it, but kept my eyes shut. I called out to her, just to let her know where I was, and as I turned my head, I clearly saw Em on the cedar chest at the foot of the bed, her two front paws on the foot board looking at me. She looked wonderful. healthy and plump and happy.

I so love that cat.

Half an hour later I got a call that her ashes were ready.