The obnoxiously short goodbye - Freakinly Awesome Jack 2002-2018

I want to start off this post by being horribly callous and possibly even mean by saying none of you could possibly understand how shattered Jack's loss has left me. I know many of you have had beloved pets and were shattered by their loss, and I can't know how, but I only know how I feel. I do not want to diminish your grief in the least. So please take this as my brain being addled by grief..

I have loved this cat more than I can possibly express, more than any other. He wormed his way into my heart the second I met him and he stayed there, curled up in a ball purring contentedly, ever since - and for always. I always dreaded this day. I knew it was going to come one day, but I was hoping, stupidly, that it was a decade away.

I will never do him justice trying to explain him. Despite what the vet said upon his initial exam, he was an incredibly remarkable cat (the vet said "he is unremarkable - meaning that there was nothing to remark on during the exam nothing wrong to keep an eye on).  He had demands, requests, and he constantly asked us questions in his whiny howl of a meow that I would give anything to hear again.

Jack had an uncanny ability to be where I needed him to be, and not necessarily where I wanted him to be. I was unemployed when I fostered him so I used to travel with him quite a bit. We took him out for ice cream, I took him to visit the Catman at work. This made him an incredibly outgoing and friendly cat that believed that everyone loved him.. and they did.

I fear that his last few weeks were 'less than' because I was emotionally distracted by the death of Graham. I did my best to care for him. I knew something wasn't right with him because he had been licking litter and peeing outside the box. When we did a senior panel we found he had an infection and was a bit anemic. I was given antibiotics for the infection but nothing came of the anemia. It wasn't dramatically worrying so I thought I would bring it up on the follow up for his UTI and we could address his symptoms and issues then. There had been some confusion about his final wellness exam as I had asked for an exam for blood work and the front desk scheduled me for blood work only so I was a little rattled and didn't ask all of my questions - again, I thought they could wait.

Then Graham happened.

I was trying to tell if he was feeling okay, trying to observe his attitudes and his demeanor. He stumbled once while walking on the bed which freaked me out but he didn't actually fall and righted himself and continued on like nothing happened. I could tell something was off. I thought it might be his urinary issue. I thought it might be kidney issues since things were headed south in that department. I thought it might be his arthritis that prevented him from "leaving work" and coming to bed when we went to bed at night (he always made his way up eventually and we snuggled almost up to the last) I had no indication that things were going to go south so quickly.

I took this photo on Tuesday maybe an hour or two before things went down hill. We sat here at "work" and I was working on my personal computer. I was kissing his head frequently. I was thinking that the upcoming Friday I would take both of these kitties in: Jack for a follow up and Muffin for a senior exam. He was laying there with me. He stood up and shook his head every so slightly and sniffled and my world shattered.  There were blood spatters on my computer and my hand.

I have had two other cats develop nose bleeds. Em developed nasal cancer. Kit who developed throat cancer. I knew our time was coming to an end. I was hoping I'd have a year like I had with Em. I emailed the vet and asked for the first available.

Jack was freaked by my reaction so he wandered off. I wanted to see if he was willing to eat. Jack was never one to turn down a meal. We offered him some canned food up in my husband's office and he ate some of it but not all. He parked himself there and did not leave.

It hurt that he didn't want to hang out with me, but considering my panicked state of mind I wasn't surprised. He was still bleeding a little.. just a few drops an hour it appeared.. and we found blood droplets in the water bowl and where he was sitting.

I tried calming down and hanging out with him but I failed miserably. He kept walking away from me. Wanting him to rest and hopefully recover, I went to bed. I found he had vomited up the food he had just eaten. I didn't see any blood in the vomit so we cleaned it up and went to sleep.

I woke up with Jack in the bed, licking my nose, purring, happy.. I had hope.

I took him to the vet, we did an exam, we found a mass that could not be explained. I took him home on supportive care hoping that he would be okay. He was not. I came home and offered him food, he wasn't interested. I ran to the kitten room to give him some dry food - his beloved dry food - and I got him to eat a few bites.

I wanted to give time for things to work. He started hanging out in my husband's bathroom. I tried to give him things to be comfortable. It broke me that he didn't want to be with me. Muffin and Fleurp spent some time with him.

He was not eating, he was not drinking that I knew. I was worried. I researched and reached for straws. Dr. Lisa was incredibly kind listening to all of my questions and possible suggestions of what might help him. Realizing that surgery on a mass in his abdomen was not going to have a great prognosis, I wanted to find something outside of that which would give us some time.

I started prenisolone and hoped.

He did not visit me Thursday morning; my heart broke. I got the kitten webcam so I could watch him and realized pretty quickly that it was time. He was not sleeping, he was moving every ten or twenty minutes to try to get more comfortable. Several times I heard him actually groan.

Every time I would go and visit him to give him meds, or fluids, or force feed some baby food into him, or just love on him he would basically try to get away from me. He didn't want any more. He didn't want me to fight for him. I made the appointment.

Could we have gotten him through this if I had given the pred more time to work or got more food into him? Maybe, but at some point and some point pretty soon he would end up exactly as he was and I could not face the idea of doing this to him again. To try would be the most selfish thing I could think of - and yes I seriously considered it anyway.. I have always been a firm believer in a week too early than a minute too late. It was my second to last gift to give him. My grief is my last.

I had my husband spend time with him because he wanted nothing to do with me. My husband hated that I say it that way, but it is true. My energy was on a level Jack could not handle.

This has broken me. I had no time to get used to it, to be okay with it enough to be there for him. This is why I get seriously pissy when people try to guilt others into "being there for the pet" at the end.. there are times it is the absolute wrong decision.

I was very fortunate that the vet does final house calls and was available that night. I can not express how fortunate and thankful I was.

Jack's final photo

The vet found him in the bathroom. She gave him sedative to make him sleep. She asked us to tell her about him which I can't explain to you how much that helped. To hear my husband tell stories of his youth.. to remember him being healthy and happy..

He had gotten up and came closer to me while we were doing that as the sedative took effect. When he was out, we took him to a more convenient location and I got to hold him and kiss his head and drench his ears with my tears. When the vet left, I sobbed. I pulled it together and we went to bed and watched a movie. As is routine, I like to do a head count before bed, I always look for kitties in order.. Jack, Muffin, Eli, Twee, Kit, Fleurp, Skippy.  Before when Em and Ollie were still around it was Em, Ollie, JackMuffinEli.. kinda like LMNOP when you are saying the alphabet.  It is almost two years since Kit's passing and I still have a hard time skipping her in the routine.. but last night I could not start with Muffin.. I kept trying and trying, but it was always Jack.. I saw Muffin and Eli so I just kept going but I kept throwing Kit's name in the mix and then from then on I simply could not get the names right or in order..

And then there were five..

***

Maybe one day I'll gather up the strength to get through a Jack retrospective of just how freakin awesome he was.. because he was freakin awesome. but since I still haven't done one for Kit, I can't imagine it will be any time soon. Even now I am typing through the tears.

***

None of the kitties wanted to sit with me during the movie.. My energy was still so wrong.  My heart actually hurt, not in the emotional broken heart sort of way, but in a I strained a muscle sort of way.. When I finally drifted off to sleep Muffin came around for some snuggles. She woke me up and I tried to snuggle with her. She always enjoys snuggling with me but my energy was still "wrong" and she didn't want to be with me. She sat on her hammock and whined a bit and then settled down.

I'm grieving. I cry. I wail... I am eating copious amounts of yummy food and I am doing obnoxious things to my kitties like grabbing them and covering them with kisses - which only Jack ever appreciated. I am watching the Doctor Donna..

I will get through this, but I am basically in shock. I will eventually be fine, but right now I can't people. I am sorry I have been absent from social media and I've been staying away from email. If you want to reach me, leave a message, I'll respond when I'm ready.. Maybe Monday, possibly before.

If you want to make a donation in honor of Jack, NHKittens.com would be an awesome place. As Jack was a foster (my first fail) it seems only fitting. If you would like to send me a card (I have been asked for it) my address is PO Box 554 Grantham NH 03753. If you met Jack and want to share a story about him that you remember, I would love it. If you want to share your favorite Jack story that I've shared with you, I would love that too.

There is a kitty waiting for me, she is pregnant, and I have left word I am ready. The distraction will do me good. Being needed will do me good. Time will do me good.


THE LOVING ONES

What I know: At Home Euthanasia - by Rene Schweitzer

Rene and I were chatting the other day and she brought up the subject of at home euthanasia.  I was fortunate enough to be able to do this for my cat Em who was dying of cancer.  I know many people are very uncomfortable with this topic, but we take on pets knowing their life span is designed to be shorter than our own, and this will inevitably be something we will have to deal with.  I hope you find some benefit to this discussion.

What I know about at-home euthanasia

By Rene Schweitzer

Disclaimer: This post will contain difficult-to-read content about euthanasia done in your home. I will not post graphic photos, but please know there will be honest, explicit content about the process.

The last photo I took of our Tucker, the day before he died

For anyone who owns a cat, there will come a time when the end of their life is near. Sometimes, your cat will pass on his/her own, but unfortunately, many times they will need help in passing. Most cat owners know that vet offices offer euthanasia, but few know that some vets will come to your home and perform the same procedure.

We had to make this unfortunate decision with our Tucker in July 2014. He had lung cancer, and his breathing was labored. If my husband hadn’t made a comment about having the euthanasia at home, I would not have known to consider it.

Why consider at-home euthanasia?

•  Your cat is traumatized by car rides or trips to the vet

• Your cat is having difficulty breathing or is injured and you don’t want to move him/her into a carrier or the car.

• You want the comfort and privacy of your own home

• You want your cat to have his/her final moments in familiar surroundings.

How to find a vet who offers this service:

• Start by asking your regular vet. If he/she doesn’t offer it, they may have a suggestion of someone who does. We were lucky to have a recommendation from our regular vet’s office. You can also search online.

• Call ahead to inquire about their services (if possible), even if it’s just a few hours ahead. The vet we used was wonderful in coaching and offering information during this stressful time. Here are some questions to ask when you make a query call:

What services do you offer for the body? (Our vet contracted with a local pet cemetery for cremation. In some areas you may be able to keep the body for your own burial.) 

What are your fees? (I must admit, I didn’t ask this question, but our vet offered the fee structure. I honestly didn’t care. Know that at-home vets may charge mileage, and an at-home euthanasia will probably cost more than an in-office one. I felt the extra charge was fair, given it was 10:30 on a Friday night.) 

What types of payment do you accept? (Our vet took only cash or checks. We wrote a check and went online to transfer the funds from our bank.) 

How will you deliver the remains? (if you choose an individual cremation) (The vet we used lived a good 45 minutes away, so I was fine with meeting at a park and ride.) 

What is your general schedule? (One of the vets I called would not come during evenings.)  

How will you perform the procedure? (Though this is a difficult question, it is good to know ahead of time so there won’t be any surprises.)

After you make “that call,” it is helpful to have these items handy to help with the procedure: a plastic garbage bag and a large old towel.

When the vet arrives

The vet will allow you time to say goodbye (we had waited an hour before she arrived and had already done this). You may also choose to pay before the procedure is done—I recommend doing this. We paid around $400 for the mileage, procedure, cremation, and an extra $25 for a paw print medallion like the photo below.

Choose a place in your home with some floor room. Position the cat near you, your spouse, or any loved one who wants to be with your cat. The vet will administer an injection that puts your cat to sleep. Our vet injected without an IV. Given that Tucker was most likely dehydrated from not eating much, I preferred this method. It would have been difficult and stressful to find a vein.

While the injection is fast-acting, it isn’t instant—it may take a few minutes to take affect. I wish I had known this ahead of time. After that injection, Tucker got woozy and tried to get away. If you can, gently hold your cat in place or pet him/her and talk to him/her to comfort him/her while the vet is giving the first injection.

Your cat will slowly relax and appear to fall asleep. His/her eyes may not fully close. After your cat is asleep, the vet may ask for the garbage bag and towel. The garbage bag will act to protect your floor (after death, your cat may release his/her bowels or bladder). The towel will lie between your cat and the bag as padding. When you are ready, the vet will administer the final injection. Ours injected directly into the heart. It was immediate—his heart stopped right away and then he was gone. The vet checked to make sure there was no heartbeat.

The vet will allow you time to be with your cat’s body, if you choose. We chose to let our other cats smell his body, but of course, this is up to you. Our vet went to her car for a little while when we did this.

You may select a special toy or item (like a small blanket) to be cremated with your pet—we chose Tucker’s favorite yarn ball.

We chose to have Tucker cremated with a favorite toy. This is optional.

When you are ready, the vet will gently take the body away and place it in her car. She gave instructions on when the remains would be ready (about one week). In total, she was at our house about 20 minutes.

While this isn’t a pleasant subject, I hope this has shed some light on the procedure. I feel that knowledge is power, and while no one wants to make this decision, knowing what to expect made me feel a bit more comforted.

Resources

Euthanasia:Making the decision

Euthanasia:What to expect and what questions to ask

Pet Loss support group

RainbowBridge and Pet Bereavement support

RainbowBridge Facebook group

A greatcat-loss book

Goodbye Kodi

took Kodi to the vets this afternoon. I held him the whole way down, he cuddled into me. He seemed to be doing quite a bit better this morning and ate quite a bit, although he had two large lumps in his stomach area, and his good eye was becoming quite bloody. The vet took one look at him and came to the conclusion that I came to yesterday. She said there were things that we could do for him, but even if they worked, chances are that it wouldn't work for long and he'd soon be suffering again. As much as I didn't want to let him go, I had to. She took him and put a catheter in his arm. She asked if I wanted to be with him when they put him down, and I said yes... then I said no.. but I knew I had to. Years ago I was there for a stray I took in Melody, and Id never forgive myself if I wasn't there for him. We talked about a few other things (later) and then the time came. She was very good about keeping the catheter out of my line of site.it wasn't a pretty thing to see. I held and kissed his head, and patted his tummy (the best I could) while she injected him. a moment later he shuttered, and was gone. It was unbelievably hard to leave him there.

We talked about the tests that were run on the other kitties. since both FIP and leukemia are both highly contagious, we took the other cats in last Monday to be tested. Due to some break down in communications, we didn't get the results until this evening. Everyone in the household "tested positive for FIP"*. Muffin and Eli had the lowest "titre" count. Em had a moderate one. Jack and Ollie had a high count. the high count was around 1 to 500. Kodi's was in the thousands.

One tested positive for Leukemia - jack.

Unfortunately, FIP is very hard to diagnose. The only test they have counts the titres in the cats blood. titres from my understanding are basically antibodies to the disease... meaning they have been exposed. Simply because they have been exposed does not mean they will come down with the disease.
It doesn't even mean they will be a carrier. However both are possibilities. And sadly there is no sure way to know for sure.
http://www.winnfelinehealth.org/health/FIP.html
http://www.hdw-inc.com/healthfip.htm

Now. Jack also has the issue of leukemia. This too might just be a false positive due to the exposure. Its a very very slim possibility.

Right now everyone is healthy, and happy and that is what matters. The vet recommends we test them all again in six weeks to get a comparison level for their titres.
It wont give us a lot of information, but it might give us some.

Right now.. its cleaning and bleach time. Seems kinda silly since they already have it.. but ..

this also appears to have put an end to my fostering days. this too is very distressing.

Muffin is sitting on the cat tree being unbelievably cute.. and here comes Em. I think its time to get off line and spend some quality time with my kitties.

*update 2015 - they ran a corona virus titre test, which is NOT an FIP test, never was, never will be. It irritates me my vet didn't read into this more before she did what she did

An emotional day

muffin decided I needed to wake up this morning before the sun came up and pay attention to her. She became my hat, my scarf, my back masseuse.. she was quite insistent. It was sweet.

Kodi is taking that long trip to the vet today. He's been isolated for a couple of weeks now, and no one seems to be missing him. I don't think his loss will really be felt in the kitty population.. however I have a feeling that my emotions are reaching the cats. First muffin, now Emerald is sitting on my lap. She doesn't like to do that when I don't have a quilt over my lap.. (great big kitty, tiny little feet - and she needs her claws clipped)

I'm doing my best not to break down and sob all day, but its very hard. I need to go in there and feed kodi. Part of my brain has been trying to tell me that he needs a collar too, which seems like a bit of a waste since... well.. but I think I'm going to anyway. He had Em's old collar on for a while, and it looked so good on him. its got a safety latch on it, which em can easily undo when she scratches her neck... *reaches for tissue*

sigh.. this is going to be one very very difficult day

I was talking with Nancy at the shelter. She's the office manager. She was saying how its a difficult decision to come to - to put your pet to sleep. Actually, it was a pretty easy decision to come to. He's been beaten by this. It's destroying his quality of life, and in the end will make him very very miserable. I do not want that. But I will miss him terribly. I will miss the cat he would have become.

If you have an unaltered animal living with you right now, I hate you. Because someone didn't pony up and take the responsibility for their pet, this has happened. And sadly, I'm not alone in this pain. Every day multitudes of kittens are put to sleep because they got such a bad start to life.

The appointment for Kodi has been made.

sigh.. Kodi didn't eat much at all this morning, and his tummy is quite hard. I spent some time massaging it.. but I don't know if it was of any help at all - except maybe to kod's spirits....

We have an appointment tomorrow morning at 9..