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Tuesday, December 31, 2019

Muffin 2002-2019


Muffin's time on earth has come to an end. I have broken into a million pieces and am in the process of putting myself back together, which is not easy as most of these edges were still sharp and broken from losing Jack.

Losing Jack so suddenly I swore that losing them slowly was much better, but it is an absolute bear to go through.

Muffin started going downhill back in May when I opted to have the growth/cyst on the back of her ear removed. I wonder how much time that cost me at times, but I fall back on the fact that it was going to totally impact her quality of life because it was growing and I could see it becoming a serious problem for her and draining it was not an option - as it actually drained on its own once and it grew back almost immediately.

I was able to nurse her through that and she had some good days and some bad days, but her kidneys were failing and there was nothing that could be done for that. Her blood work said she had been dealing with it for years but it did not slow her down until the end. She bravely faced muscle wasting and arthritis, and she continued to rule over life at Casa de Gato until Thanksgiving.

It was at that time that I knew the end was near. If it hadn't been the holiday I might have scheduled the appointment then and set her free of her body then, but I couldn't. I was selfish. I did everything I could think of to improve her quality of life and then some, and somehow, someway, we did it.. we had one last Christmas together.

It was completely bittersweet.. I was able to cuddle her and love on her and tell her what a wonderful kitty she was, but she was so tired and she wanted to lay in her hammock and not with me for most of the day. I offered her food often, I gave her many treatments with the Assisi Lounge, but she had become anemic and there was very little life left for her.

She had a few good days, and I was very hopeful we would see the new year.. but that was not to be.

There might have been more things we could have tried, more meds, more treatments, more.. but she was tired.. her life was little more than sleep and being medicated and I loved her too much to make her live that life..

Even at the end.. every single cell in my body wanted to tell the vet to go away (we were lucky enough to have an at-home euthanasia) but I knew, I knew.. it was time.

There is so much I can't face right now. Walking up the stairs to go to bed the first time was almost impossible because for the last month I was either carrying her up with me or she was waiting for me at the top of the stairs. I've rearranged my office so hopefully, that won't be as hard..

The other kitties seem to be adjusting okay. She had been so sick for so long I think they more than knew..

I miss her so fiercely.

She was a force. She was the most willful kitten I have fostered, the most determined, the most set in her course of action. She knew her mind and she was going to get you to know it too. I was her human far more than she was my cat.. and I loved her for that.

In Star Trek, Klingons have a tradition of bellowing at the sky when a warrior dies to warn those in Sto'Vo'Kor that a great warrior is coming. Somehow that made up tradition seemed to fit..

oh how I miss her..


73 comments:

  1. 17 years wow! She looks almost like our luna who was just shy of 14 when we lost her. Xoxox they take a piece of us when they go.Ive thought with every loss no way.i can love again just to hurt again no way i can love like i loved them, but here i am with 4 cats and 2 dogs loving and being loved until the universe calls them home. May the universe ease your pain and guide you to another to love when the time is right

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  2. I'm so sorry. *hugs*

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  3. We are so very sorry that it was Muffin's time to cross over. Many times they are just tired of the illnesses and medications and it is time to cross over and run free and healthy with those who have gone before. Hugs to you from all of us at Forty Paws.

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  4. Aww I’m so sorry, she was lovely. It’s heartbreaking.

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  5. I'm so sorry. It's the price we pay for a loving relationship, and none of us would have passed it by if we knew the pain at the end, because we do know that pain and still we love. Take your time and heal.

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  6. I am so very sorry. She was indeed a force and a presence among cats. I hugged my cats tonight (although Pippin did protest a bit) and thought of you.

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  7. I'm so sorry if was Muffin's time to go. She had a wonderful life with you. I know it's so hard when we lose our furry companions. I wish I could be there to give you a hug.

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  8. I am so, so very sorry for your loss. Sending peace and love to you and everyone at Casa de Gato.

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  9. I am so sorry. :-( :-( :-(. It is never easy to lose them. Fast or slow. Doesn't matter. It hurts like hell. And people without this kind of love for their fur babies just don't get it. They think - oh your cat died, not such a huge deal. The first time I lost a kitty I was hurting so crazily I googled this, and someone had written it so beautifully why the grief is so excruciating when we lose our animal babies. Animals can love so unconditionally...that we humans cannot match that with our kind of conscious minds and ego. We just cannot love like they do. So to lose them leaves such a huge hole in our hearts, we are left inconsolable. I really feel for you. Please take your time. Be gentle with yourself. Sending you hugs.

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  10. I am so sorry. “I was her human far more than she was my cat” made my heart squeeze all funny. That’s such a special relationship. Sending lots of love from Ashton and me.

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  11. Our hearts are breaking for you. We all know we wish we had forever.... She was so loved and very special. ((hugs))

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  12. My. Heart breaks for your loss Connie. She is pain free and with you still just in a different form. She sees your angst at her lifting through the rainbow bridge and will be with you again and often at your side to comfort.

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  13. My human and I are utterly heartbroken for you. I'm sending purrs your way.

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  14. I'm sorry for your loss. Sending comforting purrs.

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  15. "I was her human far more than she was my cat.. and I loved her for that." I get it. Bear is the same force of nature. His and Muffin's love is every bit as powerful as their wills. They demand - yet they pay ten-fold in their love for us. I'd love to hear non-stop Muffin stories - when you're ready. I feel like there's so much I don't know about her even after going through the majority of the posts tagged "Muffin" more than once. Please know you are not alone.

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  16. I'm so, so very sorry, Connie. None of us can walk your personal journey of grief, but we can send our love, send Light, let you know that others care. Hugs from me and purrs from Derry and from angel Nicki.

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  18. I’m so sorry for your loss, Connie. It’s always the hardest decision to make, but you know you did right by her and you were able to release her from pain. Sending love!

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  19. She was truly beautiful, with a great spirit. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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  20. I am so sorry for your loss of beautiful Muffin. Even though we know when the time is coming it never makes it any easier. I send you my best wishes and sincerest condolences.

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  21. You will have dreams with her, pay attention to them, she'll send you messages from there. She's much better now, somehow this is all that matters. I'm with you in that, I understand how you feel. Time will heal your wounds, you know. You'll feel less pain someday.

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  22. Oh, Connie, I am so very sorry. I am crying from your beautiful tribute. It is so very unfair their lives are so much shorter than ours. I wish you whatever you need to ease your grief and help you through it.

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  23. Peace to your heart...

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  24. I’m so sorry, Connie. I wish there something I could do or say to take the pain away, because I know all too well how it feels. So many of us here do. After losing Caster so suddenly a few months ago, it helped to know I wasn’t alone. That there were people who understood. So I hope knowing that will bring some comfort to you too. Sending love and purrs to you.

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  25. We are all so very, very sorry to hear about dear Muffin. I know there are no words so we send you purrs, hugs and all our love.

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  26. I am so very sorry, Connie. I know your pain, your sorrow. Sending you a comforting hug. ~Island Cat Mom

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  27. Mariah Beaney9:17 AM

    My heart goes out to you and your beautiful Muffin. Hoping you heal soon and think only of wonderful memories of your beloved kitty.

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  28. Fly free, Angel Muffin.
    Hugs and purrs to your family left on Earth.

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  29. Oh Muffin was so bootyful. We're so sorry fur your loss. We're sendin' hugs and purrayers fur all.

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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  30. Godspeed your journey to the heavens Muffin; we are truly sorry. Sending hugs and love
    to you, mom, dad, and the family you leave behind ~~ ♥♥♥♥♥

    dai$y, tuna, mackerull, dude, sauce, boomer, and the girl ~

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  31. Fly free sweet Muffin. We are sorry you had to leave for the Bridge. (((hugs)))

    The Florida Furkids and Mom Sharon

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  32. I am so sorry that you had to say goodbye to your beautiful girl. It is always hard whether they go fast or slow because either way we are left with a big hole in our heart. XO

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  33. I am so sorry for your loss. Our connection with our pets goes down to our souls and that type of loss is hard to get through. Thinking of you during this difficult time.

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  34. Big healing hugs for the loss of your baby. ♥

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  35. I am so sorry you are aching all over again. Muffin was a sweet cat who no doubt returned the love you had for her. Sincere condolences to you, the CatMan, and the permanent cats. [And go ahead and bellow to the heavens. My Klingon friends will understand.]

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  36. I'm so sorry. We'll bellow with you. Hugs and purrs

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  37. I'm so sorry, Connie. What a beautiful girl she was. Hugs and comforting purrs.

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  38. 17 years and not nearly enough. I know, I repeat myself so often when I say that words ring so hollow right now. Because it's so true. But words are all we have to offer, a shoulder to cry on to those who are close to you and will just listen is the best. I also know that a lot of people don't get what losing a animal is like. They don't see that they are our constant companion or that they are our source of unconditional love & acceptance, so they sluff it off as a nothingburger, but those of us who have a cat who chooses us as their human know it's oh so much more and the loss is so deep. I just say be gentle with yourself. The love is still there, in a different form, but it's there and always will be. I am so sorry, when I saw the news last night I went to bed with a heavy heart because I know full well the totality of the devastation you feel. Blessings of healing to your heart.

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  39. We are right there with you. We lost Ruse recently at age 13 after a very short "failure time." So we are mourning together. I think this poem helps, at least a little bit.

    “Grieve not,
    nor speak of me with tears,
    but laugh and talk of me
    as if I were beside you.....
    I loved you so -
    ‘twas Heaven here with you.”

    – by Ilsa Paschal Richardson

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  40. Please accept our condolences on the loss of Muffin. Whether their passing is fast of slow, it is no less difficult. I am so happy for you that you had one last Christmas with her. You'll be in my prayers as you grieve, Janet and Kitties Blue

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  41. I offer my condolences and wish I could help heal your heart.

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  42. We send our purrs and prayers of support at this sad time. When we lose such a loved friend it feels like we cannot go on but know that she is looking down with love and gratitude for all the good years. Muffin watch over us all until that day we all meet again

    And God asked the feline spirit
    Are you ready to come home?
    Oh, yes, quite so, replied the precious soul
    And, as a cat, you know I am most able
    To decide anything for myself.

    Are you coming then? asked God.
    Soon, replied the whiskered angel
    But I must come slowly
    For my human friends are troubled
    For you see, they need me, quite certainly.

    But don't they understand? asked God
    That you'll never leave them?
    That your souls are intertwined. For all eternity?
    That nothing is created or destroyed?
    It just is....forever and ever and ever.

    Eventually they will understand,
    Replied the glorious cat
    For I will whisper into their hearts
    That I am always with them
    I just am....forever and ever and ever.

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  43. Muffin was a beauty. I'm very sorry for your loss. Sending hugs.

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  44. My sympathies on the passing of Muffin. While she will continue to live on in your heart the separation is truly heart breaking. May your sweet memories bring you some comfort.

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  45. We're so sorry for the loss of your sweet Muffin. We send you comforting purrs and gentle headbonks. Purrs and hugs

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  46. What an amazing little Muffin. I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs.

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  47. So sorry to hear about your loss. Muffin was a very lucky kitty! We lost one recently and we're losing another, but we wouldn't pass up our time with them. {{Hugs.}}

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  48. I am so sorry. You fought fiercely for your fierce kitty. She had the best mom she could have in you. I think bellowing at the sky is an awesome way to say goodbye. Heartbroken with you...

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  49. I an so very sorry,,, I know your hearts are broken,
    love
    tweedles mommy

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  50. Oh, no! Hugs, purrs, and prayers for your heart and for all of you!

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  51. F;y free. Muffin ! purrayers and {OT{ to those you left behind.

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  52. 17 years is just amazing, yet no matter how long we're given with these precious angels, it's never long enough. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

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  53. So sorry to hear that you lost this sweet kitty.
    You gave her a wonderful life, remember that.
    Purrs,Georgia and Julie

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  54. Webbthistle7:11 PM

    Sweet Muffin! She had such a wonderful life with you - that's obvious from your postings. Please focus on all the good memories of your lives together. May that help your grieving heart. Love to you, Catman, and the permanent crew.

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  55. Muffin is beautiful. I'm so sorry that you had to say good-bye.
    My heart is sad with yours.

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  56. We are so sorry that your special girl had to fly away. We send you our purrs.

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  57. The loss of a loved one with 2 legs or 4 legs or no legs is painful and sad but our memories continue

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  58. I read the first line and I started to cry. I'm so sorry, Connie. It is never easy to let them go. You gave Muffin such a good life and took excellent care of her. My heart is breaking for you. I will miss seeing this sweet girl. RIP Muffin. We will not forget you.

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  59. There are no words that can console the loss you must feel, but the memories of Muffin are true and strong and will be your light. Our hearts reach out to you at this time and I pray give you strength in your hours of need and upset.
    Lots of gentle purrs to you all
    ERin & Mrs H

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  60. As with so, so many others I'm right there with you in your sorrow and pain. Even after 5 years I still miss my dear old Orbit, and even though Cleo has brought such joy to my wife and I I'll never, ever forget that crusty old man. It's so hard, especially when they've been a part of your life for so long. Losing them takes a big piece of your heart and rips it right out, and there's nothing that can make it feel any better anytime soon. Our hearts go out to you, even though we didn't know Muffin, and pleas know that we feel for you and send you our purrs and loving thoughts. Try to make the best of this new year. Be well.

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  61. I am so very sorry for your loss of beautiful Muffin...Every time one of these precious souls has to leave for the Bridge, they take a part of us with them, just as part of them remains in our hearts and we are forever changed...Wishing you comfort at this sad time...J, Halle, Sukki

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  62. Very sorry for your loss. Clearly your Muffin was one of a kind. Sending oodles of poodles of thoughts and prayers your way.

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  63. Your love and heartbreak reached me through your story and brought me to tears. I’ve been through similar and fast or slow, neither is easy. Prayers for your heart to heal quickly and your other kitties to help you through. ������

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  64. My heart hurts with you. It's brutal to lose those we love. Sending you gentle love as you grieve.

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  65. We are so sorry that Muffin was needed at the Bridge, Connie. Sending you gentle purrs and prayers.

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  66. You loved sweet Muffin so much and I'm in tears for your loss. I'm so very sorry. Sending you a big hug.

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  67. We are so sorry to hear this. It is never easy. Sending purrs and biscuits your way.

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  68. We totally get the bellowing at the sky thing. Happened here when Ryker was lost. This has been such an incredibly HARD year for you, and we wish we could give you all of our love and hugs in person! This just sucks. There's no other way to put it.

    Our hearts are hurting and bleeding for you.... <3

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  69. I'm so sorry :( Purrs

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  70. Connie,

    I apologise for being to late in dropping by to express my condolences about Muffin.

    Gosh, she looks a wonderful girl, such a beauty. Her force but have left such a gap when she went. I can imagine the empty space. When Dash left, he took a great big part of my life and heart with him, I know Muffin will have done the same for you.

    She has been an amazing cat, how lucky you were to know her.

    Marjorie and Harvey from Dash Kitten

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  71. We are just now hearing the sad news about Muffin. We are so very sorry for your loss and are sending our very best purrs of comfort and paws of sympathy.

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  72. We are so sorry for your loss. Muffin was a beautiful girl and we know how much she was loved. Gentle hugs for you.

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  73. I am so sorry for your loss. I know how munched you love her. It has been almost a year since I lost my Kokomo. I still miss her every day. Even though I could could never replace my Kokomo if I hadn't loss her, I wouldn't have found my new special Jasmine and for that I am forever grateful. Many thanks to Connie and NH Kittens for my new special friends.

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