Muffin 2002-2019

Muffin's time on earth has come to an end. I have broken into a million pieces and am in the process of putting myself back together, which is not easy as most of these edges were still sharp and broken from losing Jack.

Losing Jack so suddenly I swore that losing them slowly was much better, but it is an absolute bear to go through.

Muffin started going downhill back in May when I opted to have the growth/cyst on the back of her ear removed. I wonder how much time that cost me at times, but I fall back on the fact that it was going to totally impact her quality of life because it was growing and I could see it becoming a serious problem for her and draining it was not an option - as it actually drained on its own once and it grew back almost immediately.

I was able to nurse her through that and she had some good days and some bad days, but her kidneys were failing and there was nothing that could be done for that. Her blood work said she had been dealing with it for years but it did not slow her down until the end. She bravely faced muscle wasting and arthritis, and she continued to rule over life at Casa de Gato until Thanksgiving.

It was at that time that I knew the end was near. If it hadn't been the holiday I might have scheduled the appointment then and set her free of her body then, but I couldn't. I was selfish. I did everything I could think of to improve her quality of life and then some, and somehow, someway, we did it.. we had one last Christmas together.

It was completely bittersweet.. I was able to cuddle her and love on her and tell her what a wonderful kitty she was, but she was so tired and she wanted to lay in her hammock and not with me for most of the day. I offered her food often, I gave her many treatments with the Assisi Lounge, but she had become anemic and there was very little life left for her.

She had a few good days, and I was very hopeful we would see the new year.. but that was not to be.

There might have been more things we could have tried, more meds, more treatments, more.. but she was tired.. her life was little more than sleep and being medicated and I loved her too much to make her live that life..

Even at the end.. every single cell in my body wanted to tell the vet to go away (we were lucky enough to have an at-home euthanasia) but I knew, I knew.. it was time.

There is so much I can't face right now. Walking up the stairs to go to bed the first time was almost impossible because for the last month I was either carrying her up with me or she was waiting for me at the top of the stairs. I've rearranged my office so hopefully, that won't be as hard..

The other kitties seem to be adjusting okay. She had been so sick for so long I think they more than knew..

I miss her so fiercely.

She was a force. She was the most willful kitten I have fostered, the most determined, the most set in her course of action. She knew her mind and she was going to get you to know it too. I was her human far more than she was my cat.. and I loved her for that.

In Star Trek, Klingons have a tradition of bellowing at the sky when a warrior dies to warn those in Sto'Vo'Kor that a great warrior is coming. Somehow that made up tradition seemed to fit..

oh how I miss her..

When you foster, things like this happen...

I got an email today and I was debating not sharing this with you, but I realized that to be true to myself and this blog I really needed to, plus you are going to find out anyway... but you'll realize that at the end of this post..

Yes, this is bad news.  I'm sorry... Here, let's start with this..

seriously, aren't they freakin adorable?

Okay, so back to the bad news.

Lori died.

I know, quite a shock isn't it?  I don't believe I mentioned to you that I thought Lori was born without a breast bone.  I only realized it about a week or so ago when she started developing little mats in her fur directly under her rib cage and I found she had a little divot there. I have had a couple of kittens over the years that had this same deformity and they all seemed to be just fine.  I did mention it to the staff when I brought them in this morning and they mentioned it to the vet.

(I also want to mention how everyone who saw them remarked at how well they were looked and were doing.. They improved so dramatically it was nice to see that recognized)

I spoke to the vet after I found out what had happened, and he said that sometimes when they have this type of deformity the pericardial sack can be attached to the wall of the chest and cause some serious problems.  He said they usually have very strong heart murmurs when it happens and he did not hear any of that with her, so he felt it was safe to continue. She lived through the surgery and arrested as they were bringing her out of it.  He worked to save her but it wasn't to be.

I asked him if he had been able to save her if she would have had a good quality of life and he said he believed that she wouldn't. He believes that as she continued to grow the attachment would have made it more and more difficult for her heart to work properly and it might even have had an effect on her lungs. The chances that her quality of life would have been impeded until she died was great. I take a small amount of solace in that, that and she died knowing she was loved, that she had regular meals and a lifetime of kisses.

What really hurts is Lena has been left behind without her sister.

Lena and her little shaved belly

I brought her home to recoup from the surgery in familiar surroundings. She was very interested in interacting with the new kittens before this so once she has healed up a bit from the surgery I intend to introduce them and let them distract her from the fact that her sister isn't here any more. When I let her out of the carrier she wandered all around the room; part of me wanted to believe it was just because she was drunk and she just wanted to situate herself, but part of me thought she was searching for her sister.  She is having a hard time coming out of the sedation, her body is jerking a lot, she doesn't seem to want to lay on anything soft. It was breaking my heart, so I left her down there with Happy Bear and I removed the barrier to the new kittens so they can help distract her when she comes out of it a bit more.

I intend to keep her here for a while. I do not know how long.. I am thinking at least through Christmas.  We'll make that decision on a day to day basis..  Maybe she will tell me that she doesn't want to be here any more and is ready to move on, maybe she will fall in love with the babies and want to stay with them. I just do not know. Because she is going to be here, she will be on the webcam and she will be in the photos

I am so going to hiss at you.. but not at Lena.. I like her.. 

So yes, when you foster you have a lot of joy.. but you also choose tears.. it is the gift I have to give to these kittens, and I give it willingly.  Yes, it hurts, but it is a very small price to pay.