Final hours

This has been so hard. It is a fine line we draw for ourselves when dealing with an end of life illness; we want to squeeze every last moment out and keep them with us as long as possible... that is why we have pets.. they are not disposable when things aren't easy.

I clung to the 3-6 month prognosis from the vet, hoping that we would have her through Christmas. I feared that wouldn't be the case considering how fast it became so big. If we could get her through Thanksgiving, that would have been okay.

My husband can not deal. He shuts down when we have the conversation. He does not want to let her go and he does not want her to suffer.. She was bright eyed, interested in being with him, and she was eating, so waiting seemed reasonable. I discussed with him how it was kinder to put her down before she got to the point where she was miserable. I discussed how I fully believe that a month too early is far kinder than a minute too late. I kept having the conversation.

When she dropped the weight after cutting back the pred and I felt the tumor on both sides of her neck when I put my hand there I doubted we would get through Thanksgiving.. I feared what trying would mean. I was scared she would have some sort of event on Thanksgiving day and we would be so stressed over her.. and she would suffer.. I talked to him again about possibly this weekend or maybe next.. He couldn't make a decision.

She stopped eating raw food a few days ago, but happily ate chicken, so I fed it to her. Last night I opened up a can of Rx recovery food (it is very finely ground so it is easy to swallow) and she ate almost a quarter of a can. For her, that was impressive on a good day so I went to bed feeling confident we had time.

Today, she won't eat anything.

I called the vet, we have an appointment tomorrow the 11th at 2:15 EST.

I attempted to give her some fluids to help her since she isn't eating, but she was not having any of that. I got about half the amount I wanted to before she started growling, so I gave up. Fortunately, she forgave me pretty quickly.

I have a feeling my husband is going to be sleeping on the couch tonight to be closer to her.. It breaks my heart to lose her.. but it breaks my heart that he is losing her..

I'm going to be a mess, I know it. I'm not even going to try to hide it, so I'm going to hide me. If you see me over the next couple of days, feel free to join me in my denial of what is going on and talk to me about anything other than what I'm going through.. because that is the only way I am going to be able to get through it.