Monday, August 27, 2007

coming to an end

Well I have set up an appointment for the May fosters.. they will be going up for adoption this weekend..

which stinks on a couple of different levels since there is a cat show that I would like to go to, and a gathering of people I know on the internet which I think would be good for me to go to..

the woman that emailed me about Miss Molly and Miss Martha emailed me and apologied for not showing up that weekend, and asked if she could come this weekend.. well she never emailed or called me with more info, and it never happened. I feel bad that they will be sent into the system, but I know the shelter will respect the fact that they should be together..

I'm still horribly torn about adopting Tilly. I talked with the animal communicator yesterday - which was very funny and very painful - and while muffin is very "anti-kitten" (which just knowing her for 10 minutes you'd know) and Ollie is against it too, the others were sorta ok with it. Although I know they'd like Buddy - who is quite handsome - but a total handful and looks too much like Emerald - who escapes every time I open the door, and my cats like to chase him around the basement.

The new fosters still don't have names. I'm waiting till they are tested I guess.. make sure they aren't going to be taken away from me.. They are totally the "spawn of evil" as my DH likes to call them. They look up at you with their pathetic eyes, and purr and want to be patted, but then they jump on you and try to take you down. Already they want OUT of the bathroom. This morning four of the five were curled up on my previously used hair towel (one of those specifically designed for you to turban around your wet hair) The cuteness is overwhelming.. and their bellies are still way bigger than their head. I wish they would grab on to the fact that dry food is food, so they would know there is always food available so they wouldn't feel the need to eat EVERYTHING I put down.

anyway.. I am happy only having five cats - sorta - but I do know I have this opening that could be filled.. and I have this adorable kitten that is so cute.. we've nicknamed her the hypno-toad kitten (from the tv show futurama who had a hypno-toad in it that made anyone near it do what ever it wanted)

there will be other adorable kittens.. obviously they are upstairs in my bathroom... there will be other kittens that will need me.. I dont need to rush into this..

I guess like the bane of my existance "emotional eating" I want to do "emotional adopting" it feels so right to do it, but some part of me somewhere is saying no.. (actually I think it is Muffin projecting her "NOOOOOO" onto me.. but that's a different post)

I'll post more about my A/C session once I can do it with out crying..

Monday, August 20, 2007

Even MORE kittens

Yes, I am insane. my poor resident cats are worried about me. I brought home another group of five. Two older ones about four weeks old, three younger ones about three weeks old.

I set them up in a cage in my office, and set up a web cam to watch them while I'm at work :)

they are constantly hungry, and fight each other for food. the younger ones are very much into getting attention, but the older ones not so much. Only one girl in the bunch..

they do keep me distracted from wanting to adopt from the May fosters, but not by much. Went down last night to cuddle with them, and Tilly let me cuddle her for what felt like hours.. Cinnamon wanted in on the action too, and we cuddled with her. *sigh* I do want to keep them all..

I had someone email me intersted in adopting the mothers. We set up a time for her to come down and meet with them, but then she never showed... well at least my house got cleaned. I'm thinking next week they will be ready to go back. I pray that just the right family comes along and takes them. Not that I don't wish that for the kittens too - especially Tilly.. but those moms have been through so much, they deserve a little pampering..

Thursday, August 9, 2007


I have never wanted to have this type of anniversery. I purposfully didn't take note of the time or the date when Kodi was put down.. although the song on the radio at the time made me cry for years afterwards..

but this time I know. I can't seem to forget.

it was 1 week ago right now..

I hope in time the pain of this anniversery fads and thus will no longer hold power over me.. I know she's gone, I do NOT need additional reminders..

Together again

Em and Kodi..

Missing you both!

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

I can NOT adopt a new kitten

Oh my goodness I want to though. Buddy (the tiger) really LOVES playing with my cats. Every time we open the door he bolts out to attack someone. Eli loves him, Tweedle LOVES him, even Jack doesn't hiss at him. He's quite beautiful, almost looks like a bengal at this stage..
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I however love both Cinnamon and Tilly. Both of who do not love my cats.. so do I adopt a cat for my cats?? or do I adopt to fill a hole in my heart, or do i remember that losing a cat is so incredibly painful and wait to put a little more time between my 3 yr old baby and a new addition. Jack, Muffin and Eli are all about the same age, with Twee only being a year and a half behind them.

sigh. Twee really LOVES Buddy though. DH and I joked that she wants to adopt him, and she'll have to go down and "sign" the adoption papers with a paw print :)

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Em's first visit

When Tigger disappeared, I had three or four visits from him afterwards.. crawling into bed, comming home - and showing me that after such a long abscence his coming home wouldn't be a good idea, etc.

I've been waiting for Em. I miss her so terribly. I would have done anything, given anything to keep her around longer, but life is too frail. I have been calling to her, but had the feeling she was enjoying her rest. She didn't sleep well at all these last few months with the not being able to breathe well.

Since Thursday, Tweedle has been oddly silent. Even her purring has been off. we thought (and still do to some extent) that something is wrong.

well at 10AM, Twee started meowing quite happily. I was in bed half a sleep, and woke up enough to realize she was doing it, but kept my eyes shut. I called out to her, just to let her know where I was, and as I turned my head, I clearly saw Em on the cedar chest at the foot of the bed, her two front paws on the foot board looking at me. She looked wonderful. healthy and plump and happy.

I so love that cat.

Half an hour later I got a call that her ashes were ready.

Friday, August 3, 2007

Em, her final day

This is going to be a pure facts post. I am not ready to do more than that. I'm still deep in the big fat ugly cry that hurts too much.

It happened on Thursday. Monday was a good morning, but by that afternoon she had taken that last turn. I upped her pred to 12.5 mg on Tuesday which took its toll on the rest of her body. At least she could breathe.

I never got the "its ok mom, I'm ready" signal. Just the "I am so freakin tired, doing EVERYTHING but sitting here takes so much effort" feeling. she was peeing a lot, and starting to use the pee pads again. Wednesday night she peed on the bathroom floor.

Thursday I slept in. I had gotten some chemical help from my Dr. and I took some Wednesday night so as to try to keep myself from breaking down. One of the side effects of too much of this particular brand of help is coma.. (nice hun) It knocked me out. Which actually was nice. I got dressed, went to the store and bought a bag full of goodies for my friends at the shelter. I dropped it off, and when I was asked what the occasion was for (why did I not think that would be asked??) I started bawling. I arranged to get Em's ashes back. I didn't think I would want them - I still don't think I do. But I couldn't face the ultimate good bye. Earlier on Wednesday when it was feeding time I had to have my DH TAKE Em from me as I didn't want to let her go.

so I then left the shelter and went and had my nails done. It had been weeks, and I knew if I went home I'd hover and annoy her, and I'd then be left afterwards looking at my nails and wanting them to get done and doubting I could do it with out crying. I had two polishes put on. OPI's black tie and another one called Tahiti which is a opalescent white. They look pretty nice.

I came home, and brought Em down stairs and I held her and watched a little TV. Again, she was so very tired of everything. I tried to clear the gunk from her eye, and she put up a weak protest. around 4:30 I brought her up stairs, and I took her outside. She just laid where I put her. DH came home and we sat on the ground for a bit and patted her.

The vet showed up with his assistant. it is a two part step.. first he injects a sedative into her thigh muscle, then when she's out injects the final...


We decided to do the first injection outside, then bring her inside for the final. I ran inside for something, for the life of me I don't remember what. While I was gone, Em had gotten up, wandered off a little, tried to go pee, but fell over and was just laying there urinating when I got back. When she was done, she stood up again and again tried to walk off. I hated this - to me it said her spirit wasn't ready, but her flesh had turned against her and despite what we both wanted, it was time.

I laid her on the blanket, and she got the first injection. the first one was a little uncomfortable for her, but appeared no more unpleasant that a vaccine injection. I picked her up and held her while it took effect. Fortunately it took a few minutes, and I could hear her purr, and felt her grab for me, as if wanting to hold on as long as possible.

I looked down at her and told her I loved her.

Soon she was sedated. I took a quick peek in her mouth thinking I would see the reason why pilling her hurt so much, I didn't. Just mounds and mounds of tarter. I took her inside and laid her out in the sun room. I was given a few more minutes, and he injected the last...

she was gone before he was done. Painlessly, quietly, on soft kitty paws her soul escaped. He checked, I turned her over and kissed her belly - something I used to do a lot before she got ill. Dr then said he wanted to go so just like that. I joked and asked if he wanted someone to kiss his belly when he was gone, and he laughed and asked me if I would do it..

I got a little more time with her. I thought the cats might come and check her out, but they didn't. I don't know if it was because the dr was around, or if they just didn't feel the need to be that close to death. regardless of seeing her, they knew. They have been quite sedated over the past few days.

The house has been reclaimed as well. We did a lot of it before she passed. The bathroom that was given over to her for her food and litter is now mine again, the pills, and bottles, and accoutrements of caring for a sick pet are all put away. I am so fortunate that my DH is able to, because I'm crying just writing this down. Putting away her food bowls would have killed me. Just seeing her food bowls would have killed me.

Eli just stopped by and meowed at me. He thinks I should be taking better care of myself. cute boy.

anyway.. after they had left, I broke down and sobbed the ugly cry sob. The one where you HURT everywhere doing it. you can't breath, your eyes hurt, etc. I hate this cry. (now Muffin is here) After another few minutes, or hours I don't remember) We left the house and took a small road trip to the natural food store. I love this store. I couldn't face eating anything in particular, so I figured I'd go to their different food bars and eat a little of everything - but even that didn't appeal to me. In the end we found broccoli chicken poppers and jalapeno poppers, and that was dinner. (and sad to say breakfast too)

today we went down to the quick-e-mart and got a slushie, and the electrical supply store to get a junction box, and that was all I was up for.DH has family visiting near by, so I sent him out to visit them. I read the final harry potter book. Now I think I'll take one or two of my coma pills and start again tomorrow.. I want to cry and grieve my girl - actually no, that is not true. I want her back! but since that isn't going to happen... anyway. I do want to cry, just not the so ugly it hurts cry.

btw.. not having anything to do with her collar, I put it around my ankle. Gives me some odd sense of comfort.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

its official

she has declined greatly since Monday morning. Almost as if she has given up. I almost wish I could have moved the appointment to today, but there wasn't room. Thursday at 5 it is..
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