Wednesday, March 11, 2009

My darling Emerald - to all the cats I've loved before

I do not know why I dreamt about you last night, but it was so nice to see you!

hanging with Emmy

I was in bed, and you came to join me. I was very concerned about you and wanted to make sure you had your space and were comfortable and that I wasn't hovering, much as I did at the end of your life.

My soul was so happy to have "seen" you when I woke up, and I was so sad that I didn't spend more time with you, and didn't hover.

Even now only a few hours later I feel that bond slipping.

I have been amazed lately how well I've handled your passing. After so many years of daily care, and even more years of daily loving, laughing, hugging, patting, cuddling, I'm surprised at how easily I have slipped out of that, and now think of you with fond memories instead of the deep abiding grief that accompanied your death.

I so want you back, I truly do. But then again I want Tig and Kodi back too. But you would fit into the family so that pull is harder. Tig so would not understand why I have so many cats. I doubt he'd like that one bit. I remember dreaming of him after he left, and his telling me he was not happy he wasn't an only cat. I have never had a dream of Kodi. I loved that boy, he was such a belly slut. so beautiful and amusing. Given time, I know, I would have been mush in his paw, but most of my time was spent caring for him, not really really getting to know him like you do spending years with a cat. I curse that we were not given that time.

I do wonder - when I allow myself the self-indulgence of grief - who will be waiting for me at the Rainbow Bridge. I do believe my pets will be waiting for me in Heaven. I have to. I can't face life without that possibility. Will they get along, will there be so many I can't give them all proper attention? I wonder. I also wonder if the kittens I lost in my care will be there. They were grieved over. Will kittens I cared for but went on to love others be there? or will only the ones I remember remember me?

Will there be kittens in Heaven? Cause while I LOVE cats, I also love kittens. it would be a shame if kittens that died too young didn't get to grow up but it would also be a shame if there were never any more kittens.

Heaven is just too vast for me to understand. When I try to apply my sense of logic to it I get confused, so I will just accept that there will be kitties.

And one day, my darling Em, you will be able to do the head flippy thing for me once again.

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous3:04 AM

    What a beautiful tribute, a loving memory. I hope my Woofer jumps on my shoulder in heaven and spills my coffee if they allow it there.


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