Saturday, September 22, 2018

Saying Goodbye



Well, this was mighty difficult. Actually, the decision was very easy to make but carrying it out was the difficult part.

After I picked Graham up from the vet, I was optimistic. I was told that he was blind but he was navigating the room okay. He was walking around, he ate, I had hope.

He then settled down in the middle of the cold floor. I wanted to give him some comfort so I tried to hold him, he did not want that. This was unlike him. I tried to give him Happy Bear, he did not want that. This was unlike him. I was able to get him on a blanket and hoped that a good night of rest in familiar settings would help. I was exhausted and went to bed.

Because I posted the link, Stella was watching in on the webcam in the morning and saw him have another seizure. I went down post seizure and he was still out of it. I was able to cuddle him until he came around but at that point, he wanted nothing to do with me. He was covered in urine again, so I did my best to dry him off without upsetting him too much.

I went back upstairs to work and kept the camera running on my computer. Two hours later I saw another seizure and it was violent. He was still flailing as I got to him and I tried to keep him as calm as I could.  When it stopped he was once again nonresponsive. He sat there but it was like no one was home. I wrapped him up in a towel and was going to rush him right to the vet but I was pretty certain if I did that I would not see him again. I decided to sit there and hold him for a few minutes as he always enjoyed cuddling and I enjoyed cuddling him. I held him and talked softly to him and kissed his head many times. As he started to come around I knew this moment had ended and he would start insisting he be put down. The Graham I knew and adored was gone.

Even if this was something that he could come back from, would he ever fully come back? I did not know. I just knew that two seizures in two hours was something I could not handle by myself. I took him down to the vet and the techs took him out back while I waited for the vet to be free and the rescue to be contacted. By the time I saw the vet Graham had two more seizures. It was time in my mind. The vet very kindly took the long road to explain why they had come to the conclusion as well. I agreed with her telling her that the decision was the right on and the easy one to come to but most difficult to go through. I was asked if I would like to be with him and that is something I can do so I wanted to.
Despite what others will tell you, if you feel you are unable to be with them at the end do not feel you have to or you do not love them or you are less than. In many cases, the animal isn't aware you are there. There are times that not being there is actually kinder for the animal, especially if they are very sensitive to your moods. 
Graham was not only out of it from the seizures but they sedated him prior to the injection so he had no clue I was there.  I had my hand on his body and could feel his very rapid heartbeat despite the sedation. I held him, I gave him a kiss for myself, for all of you, and one for a safe journey. The whole thing took only moments..

Once he was gone I gave his body one final cuddle.

I will admit a huge part of me wanted to adopt him and not let him go. In not the way I would have preferred, I was able to love and care for him for his entire life.  None of us are promised a long life, but I was able to fill his with love and fun and food.. his life, while short, was great.

33 comments:

  1. Farewell Angel Graham. Lots of love follows you to Heaven.

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  2. I had tears rolling down my face as I was reading your touching story about Graham. I really appreciated it when you said "If you feel you are unable to be with them at the end, do not feel you have to or you do not love them or you are less than." That brought me a lot of comfort because I have a hard time dealing with death and dying. I loved my kitties more than anything in the world but felt so guilty when others said I should have been there with them till the end. I wanted to have good memories of them when they were alive. I'm so glad Graham received so much love from you and you took such excellent care of him. Thank you again, Connie, for being such an angel to the kitties. RIP sweet Graham.

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  3. Rest, Graham. We all deserve to have our difficult fate decided by people who love us and whose lives are changed by loving us.

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  4. Oh Connie....I'm so sorry. This is truly the hardest part of fostering. We go in knowing young lives can be fragile but keeping all hope that everything will be fine. Sometimes it is and other times it is not. It is heartbreaking. ((hugs))

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  5. Poor little boy. You did the best that could have been done.

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  6. He had the best he could have in his little life. I am in tears. What you said really hit home. I was away at a wedding when my 16 yr old passed over the bridge. My son was with him. We love our furbabies with all our hearts. It was a pleasure sharing Grahams life. Thankyou for what you and all recuers do for these little creatures.

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  7. No kitten was more loved for his whole life. Thank you for giving him so much love, and for sharing him with all of us for the time you had together. Sending big hugs.

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  8. I was sorry to read the story of Graham's passing. I hope you can find comfort in his memory.

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  9. So good that this kitten had you to look after him.Hugs.
    Goodbye little one.
    Purrs Georgia,Julie and JJ

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  10. I'm so sorry for your loss. Graham was a beautiful soul. Now he's a beautiful angel. Thank you for sharing his sweet life with us and thank you for all you do for these wonderful babies. RIP, sweet Graham.

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  11. We’re so sorry. His time here was too short...but thank you for being there for him...right to end. Purrs.....

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  12. He got to know love in his short time here. We have no other words, only tears. Godspeed, little boy.

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  13. I’m so sorry....it’s too hard, my heart is breaking for you and sweet Graham. Sending hugs..

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  14. I'm so very sorry. Godspeed, Graham. Thank you for giving him so much love - unconditionally - and safety and understanding and dignity. Sending light and peace and comfort. Few of us touch so many people in our relatively long lives than Graham touched in his brief life. Thank you for sharing him with us.

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  15. I'm so very sorry and I'm in tears over your loss, Connie. R.i.P. sweet little, Graham!
    Sending you a big hug,
    Julia

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  16. We are so sorry. We wanted so much for him to come back from this, but sometimes, it's just not meant to be.

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  17. We are so heartbroken about Graham. At least he got the best life possible from you, short as it was.

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  18. I am so sorry. I am crying as I read this. My tears are for Graham, for you, and for the hardest but only decision you could make. You gave him love and care in his too short life and I thank you for doing so.

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  19. I'm so very sorry, Connie. I didn't want this to be the outcome, no one did, of course. Poor little one. You made the best and most merciful decision, really the only one. My thoughts and prayers are with you; Nicki and Derry send soft purrs.

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  20. Such sad news, sweet little man, thank heavens he had your love and care, Connie.

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  21. Bless you for all the help you give these special little ones whatever their outcomes.

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  22. Webbthistle9:00 AM

    Sweet Graham. You made sure he knew love, warmth, comfort, and joy his entire life, Connie. Bless you for that.

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  23. Oh, Connie. We are so sorry. Though Graham's time here was much to brief, we are grateful that he knew your tender love and care. Hugs, purrs and prayers.

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  24. It's never easy to say goodbye, especially with one so young. Take comfort, Connie, in S'More and the others, who still need you so much.

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  25. I am so sorry. It just hurts my heart more than I can even put into words.

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  26. Oh no, that is so sad. But Graham was such a lucky kitty to have had you and all your love. So glad you were there for him.

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  27. Good bye precious dear dear innocent Angel Graham. As Eastside Cats said...love follows you to Heaven. Farewell darling.

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  28. This was such a sad post, it made me cry

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  29. Very sad. Each time a kitty crosses the bridge, my heart breaks even though I don't know them personally. This must have been so hard on you. Hugs.

    Emma and Buster

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  30. I am so sorry for the loss of this sweet boy. XO

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  31. Oh, I am so sorry for him! God rest his soul!

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  32. I saw you on camera holding him and petting him for a long while that morning. It was the first time I watched, and I knew something wasn't quite right but I mostly saw how gentle you were with him and how much you loved him. I was very moved. It was both sweet and sad, and I will never forget seeing it, or him. He had a great life for sure, I just wanted him to have 20 more years of it.

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  33. Godspeed your journey to heaven Graham; we are beyond sorry. truly. you knew love, and had a home, and had friends; this makes it no easier, especially to mom; but we hope YOU know how much you meant to her. love to you always and the family you leave behind ♥♥♥♥♥♥ hugs to mom who is amazing person and we hope she knows that ~~~~~♥♥♥♥♥♥

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