Em, her final day

This is going to be a pure facts post. I am not ready to do more than that. I'm still deep in the big fat ugly cry that hurts too much.

It happened on Thursday. Monday was a good morning, but by that afternoon she had taken that last turn. I upped her pred to 12.5 mg on Tuesday which took its toll on the rest of her body. At least she could breathe.

I never got the "its ok mom, I'm ready" signal. Just the "I am so freakin tired, doing EVERYTHING but sitting here takes so much effort" feeling. she was peeing a lot, and starting to use the pee pads again. Wednesday night she peed on the bathroom floor.

Thursday I slept in. I had gotten some chemical help from my Dr. and I took some Wednesday night so as to try to keep myself from breaking down. One of the side effects of too much of this particular brand of help is coma.. (nice hun) It knocked me out. Which actually was nice. I got dressed, went to the store and bought a bag full of goodies for my friends at the shelter. I dropped it off, and when I was asked what the occasion was for (why did I not think that would be asked??) I started bawling. I arranged to get Em's ashes back. I didn't think I would want them - I still don't think I do. But I couldn't face the ultimate good bye. Earlier on Wednesday when it was feeding time I had to have my DH TAKE Em from me as I didn't want to let her go.

so I then left the shelter and went and had my nails done. It had been weeks, and I knew if I went home I'd hover and annoy her, and I'd then be left afterwards looking at my nails and wanting them to get done and doubting I could do it with out crying. I had two polishes put on. OPI's black tie and another one called Tahiti which is a opalescent white. They look pretty nice.

I came home, and brought Em down stairs and I held her and watched a little TV. Again, she was so very tired of everything. I tried to clear the gunk from her eye, and she put up a weak protest. around 4:30 I brought her up stairs, and I took her outside. She just laid where I put her. DH came home and we sat on the ground for a bit and patted her.

The vet showed up with his assistant. it is a two part step.. first he injects a sedative into her thigh muscle, then when she's out injects the final...

anyway.

We decided to do the first injection outside, then bring her inside for the final. I ran inside for something, for the life of me I don't remember what. While I was gone, Em had gotten up, wandered off a little, tried to go pee, but fell over and was just laying there urinating when I got back. When she was done, she stood up again and again tried to walk off. I hated this - to me it said her spirit wasn't ready, but her flesh had turned against her and despite what we both wanted, it was time.

I laid her on the blanket, and she got the first injection. the first one was a little uncomfortable for her, but appeared no more unpleasant that a vaccine injection. I picked her up and held her while it took effect. Fortunately it took a few minutes, and I could hear her purr, and felt her grab for me, as if wanting to hold on as long as possible.

I looked down at her and told her I loved her.

Soon she was sedated. I took a quick peek in her mouth thinking I would see the reason why pilling her hurt so much, I didn't. Just mounds and mounds of tarter. I took her inside and laid her out in the sun room. I was given a few more minutes, and he injected the last...

she was gone before he was done. Painlessly, quietly, on soft kitty paws her soul escaped. He checked, I turned her over and kissed her belly - something I used to do a lot before she got ill. Dr then said he wanted to go so just like that. I joked and asked if he wanted someone to kiss his belly when he was gone, and he laughed and asked me if I would do it..

I got a little more time with her. I thought the cats might come and check her out, but they didn't. I don't know if it was because the dr was around, or if they just didn't feel the need to be that close to death. regardless of seeing her, they knew. They have been quite sedated over the past few days.

The house has been reclaimed as well. We did a lot of it before she passed. The bathroom that was given over to her for her food and litter is now mine again, the pills, and bottles, and accoutrements of caring for a sick pet are all put away. I am so fortunate that my DH is able to, because I'm crying just writing this down. Putting away her food bowls would have killed me. Just seeing her food bowls would have killed me.

Eli just stopped by and meowed at me. He thinks I should be taking better care of myself. cute boy.

anyway.. after they had left, I broke down and sobbed the ugly cry sob. The one where you HURT everywhere doing it. you can't breath, your eyes hurt, etc. I hate this cry. (now Muffin is here) After another few minutes, or hours I don't remember) We left the house and took a small road trip to the natural food store. I love this store. I couldn't face eating anything in particular, so I figured I'd go to their different food bars and eat a little of everything - but even that didn't appeal to me. In the end we found broccoli chicken poppers and jalapeno poppers, and that was dinner. (and sad to say breakfast too)

today we went down to the quick-e-mart and got a slushie, and the electrical supply store to get a junction box, and that was all I was up for.DH has family visiting near by, so I sent him out to visit them. I read the final harry potter book. Now I think I'll take one or two of my coma pills and start again tomorrow.. I want to cry and grieve my girl - actually no, that is not true. I want her back! but since that isn't going to happen... anyway. I do want to cry, just not the so ugly it hurts cry.

btw.. not having anything to do with her collar, I put it around my ankle. Gives me some odd sense of comfort.