Em (originally written Monday July 28, 2008)

(I was looking at my posts, and noticed this was still in draft form. I thought I'd share it)
I refuse to remember which day Em crossed. I don't want or need it crippling my life. but I know she made it to August.. so as it draws close I find myself reliving memories I don't want or need.. her pain, her suffering.. her stoic nature and her refusal to leave me before she was ready..

She absolutely did not want to go. Fought it every step of the way. Towards the end it tired her out just waking up, and I kept telling her it was ok for her to go, and trying to give her comfort, but every time I would call to make the appointment, she'd sit at my feet and cry pathetically - it was very much a "no no mom.. not yet!" kind of thing. Having worked for a vet, I was acutely aware of waiting too long because the human couldn't let go, but I was not prepared for the pet not wanting to go. Finally I couldn't stand to watch her suffer any more and I made the appointment while she was sleeping. I think she knew it was time but she still did not want to give up. I have got to admire her determination.. she started with nose bleeds in Jan... made it all the way to August. Sometimes I wish I had gone down the road of treating her cancer - given her will to live, but I had never ever seen her that determined before. She was always my 'what ever' kitty.. (well except rides to the vet.. those were vehemently opposed) But even if I had, I think it would have been more for me than her. The A/C I talked to afterward said she was so happy, and if she had known how great the afterlife was, she would have wanted to go sooner.

One thing I do regret - even though I shouldn't - is I left Em alone for a while and went to go see the Simpson's movie. It was at the stage when she just wanted to sit around and not be fussed over.. I know I was bugging her with my attention, but I couldn't help it. So I left and went out. I wish I could have learned to just be with her. I doubt i would remember my time with her any more vividly than I remember those two hours watching that movie.. which in and of itself says a lot to me..

http://wyrdwriter.livejournal.com/14211.html is a lot of comfort to me! thank you Kimber for writing it and putting it in your signature. I read it before Em passed, and I remember as the vet carried her body away just how accurate the "living in a scream" phrase really was. I'm falling to the floor crying and part of my brain goes "oh.. living in a scream.. got it!"

Knowing that I did everything I could for her gives me a lot of solace. Her not being there really takes a lot of that away.

I am hoping as the year finally passes, that I'll get beyond that last year, and remember the silliness, amusement, and joy that was My Beloved Em.